


Break my heart

by beeseven



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Dumb Jaebeom, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, if you have a problem with who tops and who bottoms dont read this..., it isn't important but if it bothers you..., it's kinda cheesy btw, kinda??, oh btw there's also markson, this is just cliche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:34:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23457124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeseven/pseuds/beeseven
Summary: “He’s straight, you know?”“What?” Youngjae pales at the words leaving Mark’s mouth. He wants to protest that it doesn’t matter since is all about the shirt and he doesn’t know why is Mark telling him this but he also wants to know where did it come from.“I mean Jaebeom, he’s straight so you shouldn’t try to do that shit you always do."And really Youngjae was about to punch him for getting inside his brain like that. “And what is it that I always do?”“Sleep with everyone? Is that not why you’re dressed in those jeans?” Mark chuckles as if this was funny, it wasn’t funny Youngjae was fuming with just those few words.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB
Comments: 16
Kudos: 79





	Break my heart

**Author's Note:**

> \- this was supposed to be way shorter,, but here have it from the bottom of my heart :))  
> \- the song youngjae sings to jaebeom is lovelovelove by baek yerin, sorry yerin I stole it but let it be clear it's hers and it's like my favorite song ever...  
> \- also I wrote this fic because of 'break my heart' by dua lips her new album is just so good, I will probably write something for each song lol  
> \- anyways if you read this please enjoy and be safe

“Yo, who is this guy? You know him?” Youngjae asks as he walks into the living room pushing his phone on Bambam’s face, “the one with the long hair on the left,” he explains. 

“Huh?” Bambam seems lost, he was watching TV by himself all day long while Youngjae finished his History of the Art project in his room. It wasn’t until two minutes ago that the black-haired boy left his room for the first time since the morning just because he saw Mark’s last post on Instagram. His friend was enjoying his Sunday night with a group of people, Youngjae only recognized Jackson since they have met before and he wouldn’t really have cared for the photo if it wasn’t for one of this particular guy in the picture. 

He was pretty, that was the only word Youngjae could find to describe him, he had a hard look on his eyes with a bad boy aura around him that was just too distracting. Youngjae couldn’t see anyone else in the pic, not when that boy was stealing all the attention to himself. He usually didn’t even find it attractive in a person, when they looked mean or intimidating, but he was different, Youngjae needed to know who he was. 

“Come on, do you know this dude, this one with the leather jacket?” He asks again getting more and more impatient. 

Bambam looks at him as if he was some type of weirdo, “I don’t. But Mark tagged everyone on the pic, couldn’t you have checked it like a normal person? Anyways, why do you care, are you jealous of them hanging out while we stay in?” 

“What? No, look at him, Bammie. Do you think that’s what I’m worried about?” He waits till Bambam looks at the guy in his phone screen again, then he gets it letting a ‘huh’ escape from his lips. Youngjae takes his phone back and sure Mark had tagged the guy in the photo too, “I don’t know how I didn’t notice it…” he says not sure if to himself or to Bambam. 

“You’re probably too distracted by his face,” Bambam laughs returning his attention back to the TV, he was watching some kind of Thai drama that Youngjae couldn’t even understand the words. It wasn’t like he wanted to watch anything either, not when he had the guy’s Instagram account right in from of him. 

His name was apparently ‘Lim Jaebeom’, he doesn’t have a lot of posts on his page but the few pics he has are all beautiful, they seem to have a concept which Youngjae appreciates but it’s not exactly what he wanted to see. 'Till he scrows a bit more and finds pictures of Jaebeom, he looks even better than in the picture that Mark posted. He looks relaxed and not like he’s about to murder someone, a few more pics and Youngjae sees things that were probably taken out of a pictorial, “he’s a model? What the fuck,”

“Who?” Bambam doesn’t look at him too immersed in his drama. 

“The guy from Mark’s photo, Jaebeom, he has posts from pictorials and some others taken on sets…” Youngjae says perplexed, he doesn’t know why the fact that the other is a model seems so significant to him, but he didn’t even know that Mark hanged out with models. Ok, maybe it’s not just that, maybe it’s the fact that the pictures are really something else, they are elegant and obviously well picked. There is this one where he has flowers in his hair and wow he looks like a totally different person. 

It takes a few seconds for Bambam to reply, “good for him. Are you going to follow him or just stalk the guy? Didn’t know you to act like that, Jae.” 

Youngjae rolls his eyes at that, regretting even letting his roommate know about the picture in the first place, he could have noticed Jaebeom’s ig account by himself. “I’m not stalking I’m just checking out his photos as if you don’t know that as well.” He huffs still looking at Jaebeom’s pics, in some of them his hair looks completely different, a blue-ish mullet is one of Youngjae’s favorite. 

There are no pics of his current look, in none of these pictures he has the nose piercing or the dermal one under his eye, his hair isn’t as long as it is in Mark’s last post either, it's a shame because he just looks so good and would look even better in a selfie or in a pictorial pic. Something where he looked relaxed and not too serious. He seems to be too reserved though, maybe that’s the reason why he doesn’t post often, Youngjae even checked the date in every post he looked. Of course, he is stalking the other guy but he isn’t going to admit it to Bambam. 

He doesn’t talk about Jaebeom anymore not wanting his friend to annoy him with it or even tell something to Mark. But he can’t stop thinking about the guy, they ask for some delivery food eating together chatting a bit but all the time the only thing Youngjae can think about is how is he going to find Jaebeom in real life, not just through some stalking. 

The thing is Youngjae is used to people approaching him first, he never had to look for someone to hang out or to get laid if that were the case. He’s used to things being like this but Jaebeom seemed like he was going to be different, well he was already different if only for the fact that he didn’t even know about Youngjae’s existence while the boy in question was already planning the best way to find him and to have a piece of him to himself, anything will do. He never felt desperate before, never, in any way. 

So he didn’t press ‘like’ on Mark’s photo, he was going to pretend he hasn’t seen it at all. He had to be smart, even if he wasn’t good at this thing where he had to be the one making crazy plans he would find a way to find Jaebeom without seeming too invested. It took Youngjae two entire days thinking and thinking ‘till he decided that going to Mark’s side of the campus would be a smart way to encounter him and make it look like a coincidence. 

They were friends and he could damn well ask for them to meet or something but probably Mark would suggest them to play videogames at his place and that wouldn’t make Youngjae meet Jaebeom. He was walking absently at the computer science building for long forty minutes now and regretting his plan already, he didn’t know people here even though some girls kept looking his way, he was tired and still with a bunch of homework to do when he gets home. 

Youngjae was about to give up and head home when he remembered a coffee shop nearby that Mark would go to study whenever he had to work on something, it was loud and always packed with people but apparently it was cool with his friend to study in a place like that. He walked there and ordered bubble tea, the place wasn’t full of people like it usually was in the few times he met Mark here, but still not quiet enough for one to study in peace without headphones. 

Sitting in a table he didn’t even have the time to get his phone from his pocket when he heard someone calling his name, looking over he saw Mark waving at him with a smile on his face. Youngjae walked to his table taking his tea with him, Mark was sitting alone for once, since lately he was always with Jackson. “Hey, what are you doing here by yourself? You don’t like this place, right? Were you looking for me?” 

“No,” Youngjae denies, he wanted this to be casual and not like he was after something, which he was. “I had to drop some books off at the library and was walking around after it… are you busy?”

Mark looked down at his laptop and notes all over the table, he closed the laptop shaking his head at the other boy who sat in front of him, “nah, it’s time for a break anyway. I haven’t seen you in forever I’m glad you appeared,”

Youngjae laughs at that, “you only glad because you can stop whatever you were doing with an excuse to do so. Anyways, where’s Jackson?” Mark blushes as soon as the Chinese’s name leaves Youngjae’s mouth. 

“Why’d I know?” He tries to play it cool not that Youngjae will let him. 

“Oh, please it’s almost impossible to see you without him nowadays,”

Mark blushes harder, “come on, is not like that. I just like hanging out with him, it’s nothing.” Youngjae smirked not taking his eyes off of his friend, “alright, I was with him just two hours ago but he had to give a fencing class to a rich kid and left me here, but really it’s nothing.”

“Why are you pouting for being left alone then?” Youngjae wants to laugh, forgetting about his ‘find Jaebeom’ plan and focusing on teasing his friend. 

“I don’t like being all alone, you know it.” They look at each other both knowing that even though this is true that wouldn’t upset Mark to the point of making him pout, Youngjae wants to annoy him, ask more annoying and dumb questions but he’s afraid it will make Mark close off, he’s too sensitive to teasing. 

“So, is Jackson your only friend? I mean you could be with another friend instead of being all alone like this, huh?” He can’t help it though, being annoying is in his veins. 

It’s working since Mark isn’t blushing anymore, his face just a little closed off at the other. “Don’t be dumb I can’t be calling people just to watch me study--”

“It’ that what Jackson does?” Youngjae laughs louder than he is supposed to in a coffee shop but again it’s a noise place so it doesn’t make much difference. “God, his life must be boring.”

“Do you want a punch? It’s that what you came after? Goddamn, I had forgotten how annoying you are with only days without talking to you.” 

Youngjae raises his arms as if trying to look innocent, “alright, alright, I was just joking around. You know you’re my favorite when it comes to teasing, Bambam hardly listens to me.”

“Well, lucky him I wish I had this power,” but he doesn’t seem mad anymore, probably grateful that they aren’t talking about his obvious crush anymore. “So, there’s this party Friday night, wanna come?”

Youngjae narrows his eyes, it’s not that they don’t ever go to parties, they do but more often than not it’s Bambam or Yugyeom that beg Mark to go with them. It’s never Mark inviting anyone, he doesn’t comment on that, not yet. “Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’? It’s a party I was wondering if you’d like to come since you were busy last weekend, it’s just so we can hang out.”

Youngjae isn’t dumb though, “just so we can hang out, right. Maybe,”

“Maybe… God, you sure are annoying, okay, Jackson convinced me to go and I know some of his friends that will be there but none of them is  _ my _ friend and I don’t want to be alone.”

“See it’s easier when you just tell the truth, alright I’ll go and you can pick me up… Bambam will probably tag along so I won’t be the one left alone after you glue yourself to Jackson’s side.” Youngjae wouldn’t let his friend go alone if it made him uncomfortable but he is sure that Mark won’t need him. Still, it makes him confused since Mark was hanging out with Jackson’s friend Sunday and he didn’t seem to have a problem with it. 

“Bambam would make sure to go anyway, but I’m inviting you I won’t leave you alone because of someone else.” Youngjae nods at him pretending to belive it, his friend’s words are sweet but he knows he won’t stand by them not when he’s head over hills like he is. 

Sure Youngjae would go to the party either way, he wouldn’t leave Mark alone if he didn’t want to but he’s feeling on cloud nine with the chance of seeing Jaebeom there. He already thought about it and Jaebeom is probably one of Jackson’s close friends or he wouldn’t be at the photo Mark posted, so he could be at the party, of course, it wasn’t certain but still Youngjae couldn’t wait for Friday night to just come already. 

It took an eternity but Friday finally came, Youngjae was trying to play it cool, he wore one of his tightest blue jeans with roles on it. That never failed him, people would always compliment his thighs when he worse something like that, even his friends would joke about it. “Damn, you look hot,” was the first thing Bambam said when he left his room and found his friend eating cold pasta at the kitchen like a starving man. 

“When do I not?” He laughs at his friend’s disgusted face.

“One can’t even compliment you without it going to your head. Why did you put effort though, you never do,” Bambam knew him way too well, Youngjae didn’t like it. 

“I didn’t,” Youngjae shrugged nonchalantly walking to the fridge and getting himself a glass of water.

Bambam chuckled, “yeah, yeah you just look good with whatever you throw in I know whatever, but tonight you look fashionable which you never do so it made me wonder but whatever keep your secrets.”

Youngjae just rolled his eyes, it was good that Bambam forgot about Jaebeom as soon as Youngjae talked about him or else he would be able to pick his plan on thin air. At least he was being lucky with this, he hopes his luck doesn’t abandon him for the night. 

Mark picked them up as promised and boy did someone put an effort on his outfit way more than anyone else in the car. It was just a given that Youngjae and Bambam would tease him all the way to the so-called party, he pretended to not care but Youngjae could see just how angry he was if his red ears were any indication making the younger boys laugh harder and louder. 

“Is this a frat party?” Was the first thing that came out of Youngjae’s mouth as soon as they got to the place where the party had started long ago, there were people everywhere and he could understand now why Mark was intimidated by the prospect of being left alone here. 

“I-- it’s a party in a frat house?” Was all he got for an answer making Bambam laugh loudly beside him. 

“Damn, Mark what did Jackson do to you if he got you accepting to come to a place like this? Don’t even I come to places like these, I feel like I’m wasting my Gucci here,” the blonde said faking annoyance even though he was right, this was not a place you would see Bambam and his expensive self. 

“He didn’t do anything, I like parties like these just fine,” Mark lies shamelessly and Youngjae swears he won’t be this pathetic because of someone else, ever.

They keep on a light conversation till they enter the house and it becomes impossible to hear each other without shouting, it looks much more like a club than an actual house inside which is crazy there are even lights making the dark place even more chaotic. 

“Okay, maybe it isn’t so bad,” Bambam yells going to the dance floor and abandoning them, Youngjae looks at Mark and he is pretty sure this is way worse than the older boy ever thought, he smiles serves him right for not standing to be apart from Jackson even for one single night. Hell, they don’t need to be always together the boy thinks to himself.

They are exchanging few words since it’s impossible to actually talk in there when Jackson appears out of nowhere and hugs Mark as if he hasn’t seen him in years, which is ridiculous Youngjae bets they saw each other this afternoon. When they let go of each other Jackson smiles brightly at Youngjae while Mark shyly looks at the floor as if it was the more interesting thing in the world. 

“Hey, Youngjae I’m glad you made it it’s always good to see you,” Jackson says politely as if trying to befriend him. 

“Yeah, Mark didn’t want to come by himself you know him,” he smirked making Mark whine, it wasn’t audible but Youngjae knew that expression damn well. “I’m sure you won’t leave him alone now that you two are together though, so I’m gonna get something to drink.” 

He walked away from them without saying or hearing another word, he did go to the kitchen to get a drink but he was more focused on looking out for Jaebeom. He was glad that there was vodka or he would go mad, he was at the party for more than one hour and no Jaebeom at sight. Of course, the place was packed and he could be anywhere and Youngjae could simply not have seen him yet but he was already tired from all the looking around. 

After some vodka the entire idea of Jaebeom was starting to seem a bit stupid, he didn’t even know the guy and he had been obsessing for five days already this wasn’t like him. Fuck Lim Jaebeom he thought to himself while he drank all the vodka in his cup in one go and headed to the dance floor. He enjoyed dancing with Bambam and Yugyeom the most but he couldn’t see either of them.

Youngjae was dancing alone to the beat of the songs as if there’s no tomorrow, he could sense eyes on him but it was usual so he didn’t mind. A girl approached him and it was alright just dancing with her 'till she started to come at him dancing too closely trying to exchange gazes and it was not what Youngjae wanted so he walked out just like that. 

He was walking back to the kitchen to get more vodka, there were bottles all over the house but the kitchen was easier to find in that dark hell. Youngjae was almost there when he felt someone walking too close to his back, he felt weird so he turned around without thinking twice which turned out to be a dumb idea. 

The bad idea was cold and smashed his chest before rolling down all the way to his stomach, the crushed red cup still being held by the person in front of him. But all Youngjae could look at was his white Supreme T-shirt all wet, cold and transparent from all the vodka that has just been poured over it. He wanted to yell, he wouldn’t but he wanted to, the anger was probably clear on his face because the other person started to talk quickly. 

“I’m so sorry, God, I didn’t expect you to turn around all the suddenly… not that I’m blaming you I should have been more attentive but I was too distracted--” the voice wasn’t loud enough for Youngjae to hear everything the guy was saying but he noticed it was shaken, he wasn’t an asshole so he wouldn’t discuss over something so small even if it felt enormous to him. 

“It’s fine, it’s fine. I didn’t pay attention either and--” then the boy finally looked up and he was faced with Jaebeom in all his glory, the way he couldn’t imagine him to even be. He looked so much better in person, photos won’t ever do him any justice. Youngjae almost jumped backward seeing him stand so close to him his lips parting in a small ‘o’, Jaebeom probably took it the wrong way. 

“Fuck-- I’m really sorry it must be cold,” his right hand came near Youngjae’s chest and he almost passed out from the sight alone, but Jaebeom retracted his hand looking even more embarrassed. “You can’t wear your shirt like this, come with me,” and he let his fingers wrap around Youngjae’s left wrist like it was nothing. It probably was nothing to him but it sent electric shocks through Youngjae’s entire body. 

Jaebeom pulled him through the house, going up the stairs till they were in a dark corridor and the noise of the song downstairs wasn’t that loud anymore. “Where are we going, do you live here?” Youngjae was too astonished and a little bit drunk to even care about not seem desperate. 

“I don’t, my best friend does and he will have something that fits you.” He explains trying to pull Youngjae to some room but the boy stops on his tracks. 

“Man, I’m not wearing your friend’s clothes just like this. I don’t even know him, hell, you don’t even know me what if I stole it?” Youngjae says seriously, Jaebeom shouldn’t be so trusting with a stranger. 

“You won’t steal it I saw you with Mark early, you’re his friend so I’d be able to track you down if you did. But you won’t do it, will you?” Jaebeom is looking right at him, his eyes way darker than Youngjae’s ones, so pretty. Youngjae feels like his knees will give up on him at any moment. 

He shakes his head, “no, I won’t.” 

“That’s good enough for me. I’m Jaebeom by the way,” Youngjae just looks at him still confused with everything happening way too fast for him. “You said I didn’t know you, well I’m Jaebeom and you are…”

“Oh, Youngjae. I'm Youngjae.” That’s all the boy can say and it was already hard enough for him, this was not going as planned. He was supposed to be cool when he met Jaebeom, supposed to be interesting but now he’s acting like a dumbass in front of him. He needed to get his head back on track. 

Jaebeom understood it like the end of the conversation and just took Youngjae’s wrist back on his hand again so they could walk to his friend’s room. It wasn’t necessary, the whole holding wrist he was doing not now anyways, they were close and Youngjae could see him well since there were no people around but he wasn’t about to say it. They entered a bedroom that wasn’t too big but still had two beds on it, Jaebeom walked to the closet as if he owned the place. 

“I will get something good enough,” he said going through everything again and again. “Jinyoung only wears ugly ass outfits, goddamnit!”

“Listen, Jaebeom, you don’t have to worry I think I’m gonna leave now anyways. I don’t need another shirt, it’s all good.” Youngjae tries but it’s in vain the other doesn’t stop looking for something, the truth is that he just wants to make a run from the room already. Yeah he wanted to see Jaebeom in person but things aren’t going the way he thought they would go, he doesn’t know how he thought it would go but being tongue-tied sure wasn’t it.

“You do, you shouldn’t wear something wet all the way to your place. Anyways, are you sure your leaving? You looked like you were having fun dancing,” Jaebeom tosses him a plain black shirt, it doesn’t have anything special on it but it’s a little smaller than the ones Youngjae is used to wear. Jaebeom assures him that this is the best one he could find though. 

“You also noticed me dancing? Funny how you saw me a lot and I didn’t see you even once,” Youngjae almost regrets his words thinking he gave himself away but then he sees the blush on Jaebeom’s face and smirks to himself. He takes his shirt off only to find an even more red Jaebeom looking at him, huh. 

“I wasn’t like stalking you-- I just-- I guess you would always catch my attention for some reason and-- God, this is getting worse, but I swear I wasn’t spying on you or anything.” The blush is taking over Jaebeom’s face, ears, and even his neck, it’s kinda cute. 

“It’s alright,” Youngjae tries to tell him while he dresses this other guy's shirt, it fits him perfectly and maybe he should wear more clothes that are his size. “How should I give this back to you?”

“Huh?” Jaebeom seems like the one how is tongue-tied now which makes Youngjae feel victorious, now he can play the game just like he wanted, his confident self back again. “Oh, the shirt? You can call me, gimme your phone,” he says standing his hand at Youngjae. The boy almost laughs at it, not because it’s funny because it isn’t, but because it’s just too easy, Jaebeom is the one asking for his phone like it’s nothing, he really isn’t doing shit and he thought it would be harder. 

As soon as Youngjae handed him his phone he took his own from his pocket and handing it to Youngjae as well so they would have each other’s number, too easy he thought. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be that easy after all, maybe it was just stupid.

Youngjae washed the shirt Jaebeom lent him as soon as he got home, he couldn’t call Jaebeom already though it would be too much. He didn’t call him Saturday either, so he tried to focus on all the homework he had it was the only way to keep him from just texting Jaebeom already and be done with it. By Sunday though there was nothing stopping Youngjae, it would be reasonable to want to give the shirt back today since they would be busy on weekdays. Yeah, it made total sense. 

Mark was over at their place, he had come over last night so they could play video games all night long. He was still asleep on the couch when Youngjae walked into the living room, he looked dead the younger boy thought as he looked at him. He went to the kitchen looking for something he could cook for lunch it was past two in the afternoon and his stomach was yelling at him. 

Since he wasn’t the best cook he settled down for pasta and pork, he thought for a second about how he and Bambam were living off on pasta. Not minding it too much he started cooking thinking if Jaebeom was awake already, it turns out he was since as soon as Youngjae texted him asking how should he give the shirt back he replied. It surprised the boy it was like Jaebeom was waiting for him to text, he wasn’t was he?

Jaebeom asked him if he could come over to his place by 8 PM, which Youngjae obviously agreed to even if he had shit to work in he would have accepted. He was kinda glad about being able to see Jaebeom so soon, he told himself that it was normal to be happy about it and that it didn’t mean anything. Jaebeom was hot and Youngjae wanted to fuck him, simple like that no much more. 

After spending the entire day working on finishing his music lessons and ignoring completely Bambam’s loud noises he finally could get ready to see Jaebeom. He had to remind himself that he wasn’t going to a party again, he shouldn’t overdo it, should keep it simple. It was kinda hard though, he was going to Jaebeom’s place and this thought alone was able to make him overthink how he should even style his hair. In the ending, he didn’t do anything to his hair just washed it and got it dry. His jeans though, those were tight as ever. 

“Hey, where you going?” Mark eyes him as soon as he sees the other. “You spent the entire day in your room and now your leaving? You have guests, come on,”

“I don’t have guests, it’s just you here and you have Bammie you don’t need me. Anyways, I’m going to return something to someone so,” Youngjae tries to head to the door but Mark won’t let him. 

“Something to someone… why are you being mysterious about this, huh?” He then tried to look at what Youngjae had on the bag he was holding. Youngjae just rolled his eyes, he should be the one making questions here, annoying Mark about how he glued himself to Jackson last Friday and didn’t even notice when he left the party, but he doesn't. 

“Look it’s just a shirt, a guy splashed vodka on me at that party you wanted me to go so bad and he lent me it so I’m going to return it. Satisfied?” But, of course, he wasn’t Mark was as just noisy as he was. 

“A guy? He lives at that house? Who is he? Should you go alone? I mean--”

“Ah, enough,” Youngjae stops him, “no, he doesn’t live there his friend does and he borrowed it from him. It’s Jaebeom and I can do it alone don’t worry,  _ mom _ .” 

Mark is quiet for too long so Youngjae thinks it will be alright to leave but it isn’t, “he’s straight, you know?”

“What?” Youngjae pales at the words leaving Mark’s mouth. He wants to protest that it doesn’t matter since is all about the shirt and he doesn’t know why is Mark telling him this but he also wants to know where did it come from. 

“I mean Jaebeom, I know him he’s one of Jackson’s best friends so I have met him and he’s straight so you shouldn’t try to do that shit you always do.” 

And really Youngjae was about to punch him for getting inside his brain like that. “And what is it that I always do?”

“Sleep with everyone? Is that not why you’re dressed in those jeans?” Mark chuckles as if this was funny, it wasn’t funny Youngjae was fuming with just those few words. 

“I don’t want to sleep with him, God, what’s wrong with you? Just get out of my way already,” he sounded perfectly normal but inside of his head everything was a mess. Jaebeom was straight? Why in the fuck didn’t he see it coming and why did he even care this much anyway is not like he even cares about the model, but it just bugs him, annoys him like nothing else. 

Mark laughs and then gets serious all the sudden, “good then, I didn’t want you to go after something you can’t have.” 

Youngjae rolls his eyes walking out the door, he hates it. He hates everything, if he could he would just go back into his room and dress on his worst clothes, mess up his hair and do nothing but not care about Jaebeom and his sexuality. He shouldn’t care, goddamnit he shouldn’t fucking care. 

He got to Jaebeom’s place faster than he wanted to, he was already late but the truth is that he didn’t want to come at all. When Jaebeom opened the door of his apartment for him he realized how not easy it all was, how it was fucking difficult, he was smiling at Youngjae and he just looked too good for words. 

“Hey, I was waiting for you, please come in,” Jaebeom’s voice is like honey but right now Youngjae hates honey, pretty faces, and broad shoulders. 

“I-- don’t need to, here’s your friend’s shirt. I should leave.” Really, Youngjae wasn’t in the mood to get into his place at all, he didn’t want to spend more time with him than necessary. Mark was right he shouldn’t go after things he can’t have. The first time he wants something, wants someone, it turns out to be a dumb idea. He shouldn’t be the one chasing anyone that was proof of it. 

Jaebeom’s confused face is almost cute, not cute enough. “Oh, alright,” he says as he takes the bag Youngjae hands him, “it wouldn’t be disturbing me or anything if you did though, I mean if you did come in, that’s it. I made lasagna…”

“Lasagna?” Youngjae didn’t give a shit about his lasagna but Jaebeom’s sad face was starting to bother him. “Wait, did you cook it just because I was coming over?” 

Jaebeom blushes but he doesn’t deny it he just pouts like a kid, “come on just come in, you don’t want all the neighbors to hear on us, do you?”

Youngjae frowned they weren’t talking about anything special what would it matter if the neighbors heard them? He did enter the apartment though if only for Jaebeom’s face to stop looking so damn sad and pathetic. “Are you alone?”

“Yeah, I live here by myself,” Jaebeom replies quickly as he takes the shirt from the bag and throws it at the couch. “Oh, you used fabric softener? You didn’t have to wash it so diligently, it’s Jinyoung’s… it will probably be the only good smelling thing in that room now…” 

Youngjae just nods not knowing what to say to that, he eyes the place, it’s too big for just one person to afford at least for a student like he thought Jaebeom was. “You really live here by yourself? Why don’t you have a roomie?”

“Well, in my first year I had to share the dorm with someone and it was the worst thing ever. I’m not too good with people.” 

The boy only nods again, Jaebeom is probably rich and probably an only child as well, he would tease him about not being able to share a place with someone and wasting money because of it but he felt weird. “You didn’t have to cook anything for me by the way, like lasagna? That’s too much work and--”

“Are you uncomfortable?” Jaebeom looks at him and again the sad expressions, Youngjae wants to tell him to stop that. “Listen, just like I said I’m not good with people, I have few friends but they aren’t a lot. I just thought it would be nice to have a meal with you, but if it makes you uncomfortable I’m sorry.”

“You don’t look like the type of person who is bad with people,” it’s the first thing that leaves Youngjae’s mouth and he wants to curse himself for it. 

“Why is that?” Jaebeom almost smiles but he doesn’t. Youngjae wants to say that he’s too handsome and that people probably throw themselves at him, but he thinks that this is probably exactly what happens but Jaebeom doesn’t even notice that. 

“I don’t know, you just talked to me naturally so you don’t seem like the shy type.” 

“I’m not shy, I’m bad at other things that I shouldn’t tell you if I want you to be my friend. You should find out about them when it’s already too late,” he smiles and alright maybe Youngjae is sold and the fact that he is a straight dude doesn’t change it. 

He hates hearing the word ‘friend’ though, but it’s not like he was after dating Jaebeom or anything so it isn't the worst scenario. Youngjae agrees to eat the lasagna only to be able to spend more time with the other, that was exactly what he didn’t want to do a few minutes ago. “Oh my God, how is this so good? Did you really cook it?”

“Yeah, do you like it?” That’s a stupid question since Youngjae is nearly moaning while he eats. “I wanted to be a chef when I was young and I also spent too much time by myself at home, if I had to cook I would try something delicious at least.”

“You’re not a chef though?” Youngjae isn’t joking but for some reason, Jaebeom laughs and it isn’t elegant or something cliche like that. He laughs with his entire body, opening his mouth wide, just like Youngjae does himself and he likes it. 

“No, of course, not. Do you think that’s a lasagna a chef would make? It would be better than this. I’m almost graduating in physics, this is my last year, nothing to do with cooking.” 

Youngjae almost chokes at this, isn’t he a model? The fuck is he studying physics for? “Physics? Why would you do it with yourself? Your poor brain must be upset every day, I can’t imagine…”

Jaebeom laughs again and Youngjae is kinda getting addicted to it, to being the person who makes him laugh like that. “Why does everyone react badly to it? I like physics, I want to teach it in a way people will like it. Maybe I can even make you like it.” 

“Haha no way, I would never listen to anyone talking about physics even for a second. I was so happy when I graduated high school just knowing I’d never study things like chemistry, math, and  _ physics  _ again.” Youngjae catches themselves smiling at each other and looks down at his food instead. 

“It’s not that bad, really. What you’re studying then?” 

“How do you know I’m studying something?” 

Jaebeom is the one looking down now, he seems embarrassed, Youngjae was just joking around it’s normal for people to assume people his age are studying, maybe Jaebeom  _ is  _ indeed bad with people. “I don’t! I just-- you look like... Okay, I checked your Instagram account and there were pics of the campus so I assumed.”

“You checked my Instagram account?” How can he say it so bluntly? Youngjae would never admit having checked someone’s account, not like this at least. It was just crazy that he was the one who stalked Jaebeom first, he didn’t know why would the other look for his account like this though. “You didn’t follow me though, didn’t you like my photos?” 

He pouts making Jaebeom speak too quickly, trying to defend himself, “no, it’s not that I just thought that you could think it was weird, that I was a weirdo I don’t know.”

“Nah, it’s alright you can follow me I will follow you back, do you post a lot?” He tries to act clueless, not like he knows that Jaebeom doesn’t post that much. 

“Oh, please don’t follow me,” his face becomes red too fast to be normal, “you will see things--”

“Of course, I will follow you, what are you scared of?” Youngjae takes his phone from his pocket and Jaebeom almost jumps on it trying to stop him. “Let me see!” He is really good at acting, at least Jaebeom seems to believe him. 

“It’s embarrassing! I just told you I’m about to become a physicist-- you won’t have any respect for me if you see my modeling photos…” Jaebeom really looks upset by it, which is really confuses Youngjae in a lot of ways. 

“Modeling? How is this more embarrassing than studying physics? If anything I will start respecting you after I see that you really model,” 

Jaebeom shakes his head smiling, “you’re kinda disrespectful, you know that?”

Youngjae just shrugs, “yeah, I get that all the time. Don’t care though.” He toys with his phone for a bit pretending to have trouble finding Jaebeom’s account till he does and follows him. “I will check it at home, don’t worry.”

“Of course I’m worried! I should delete it before you even leave.” 

“Shut up, don’t delete shit, alright?” They laugh a bit, till Youngjae speaks again. “I’m studying music, by the way. I play the piano at the university orchestra which might seem lame but it’s not as lame as you.”

“It doesn’t sound lame to me,” Jaebeom has a dreamy look in his eyes making Youngjae shakes his head, no, he gotta be imagining it. “I’d like to see you playing some time.” 

“Will do, of course, only after you show me some of your modeling pictures.” Youngjae teases and the other whines like a baby being denied their toy. 

“Stop that already, I only do those photos sometimes for fun… you’re an artist it’s different, I just want to appreciate art.” 

As if his face and body aren’t pieces of art the other boy thinks to himself, he won’t say that though. “Modeling for fun, of course, normal people do it all the time.” 

“Jesus, you’re an infuriating one, Youngjae.” But he doesn’t seem mad, maybe a little frustrated by his annoyance self but not mad. 

They eat almost the whole lasagna, talking about simple shallow things for too long. It’s almost midnight when Youngjae freaks out about the late hour that the boy finally leaves, Jaebeom says it ain’t any trouble and that he can stay as long as he wants to. Youngjae would stay forever if he could, no not forever this ain’t it, but Jaebeom is a good company he doesn’t believe he doesn’t have a lot of friends. Still, he has to leave they both have classes the other day and it’s just not normal for him to spend so much time with someone that is not one of his friends. 

When Youngjae gets home Bambam is still up doing his homework on the couch with the TV on, he shakes his head at his friend who stops everything when noticing him. “Mark waited for you till one hour ago. Why did you take so long? You fucked him?”

“What? No, what the fuck I’m not like that.” Mark must have told Bambam where he was, he didn’t want that. 

“Sure, you’re not you just sleep with a bunch of guys but you’re not like that. I thought you have converted him,” seeing his confused face Bambam continues, “I mean because Mark said Jaebeom is straight and all. I did tell him that no one can be that straight around you.” 

Youngjae throws a cushion at his face, he can’t deny that he sleeps around a lot but he can be annoyed at his friends talking about him like that. “Whatever and Mark sure likes to repeat that Jaebeom is straight. Hey, you didn’t tell him about me checking Jaebeom’s Instagram account even before we met, did you?” 

“Of course not, you’d have killed me. But how did you even managed meeting him at his place? You really good at this is like the sky is always helping you.” Bambam complains homework completely forgotten now that he can question Youngjae. 

“I didn’t do anything, to be honest. He approached me, well he didn’t I guess, but it was his fault nonetheless. And I don’t have the sky on my side, isn’t he straight?”

Youngjae is ready to go to his room when Bambam talks again, “hey, maybe he isn’t. I mean, what would Mark know? I asked him and he just said Jackson joked about all his close friends being straight when they were all together, how is this proof of anything?”

“I have some awesome friends, one says I shouldn’t go after him and the other is like ‘what that dumbass even know?’” 

Laughing Bambam says, “then you shouldn’t hear any of us, just do whatever you want to do.” 

It makes Youngjae mad though, now that Bambam said that he doesn’t know if he should be so sure about Jaebeom. He was too friendly with Youngjae even if he didn’t have to, he blushed every time Youngjae teased him, but that could be just who he was and nothing related to him wanting the same thing Youngjae does. 

He hates bothering about this whole thing, should it even matter to him? Jaebeom texts him asking if he got home safe and it only angers Youngjae even more. Fuck nice Lim Jaebeom and his confusing persona. 

His anger doesn’t last though, not when he and Jaebeom keep texting back and forth. They don’t have the excuse of the shirt anymore, so they just keep talking about silly things that happen on their days. It’s never too deep, and usually, it isn’t flirty either, Youngjae even flirts a little but Jaebeom doesn’t even seem to notice which is annoying. At least he is able to keep their conversation light, but it becomes too constant, he grows used to Jaebeom’s texts like he knows he shouldn’t.

Soon it’s not just texting anymore, they hang out when they can whenever they are free at the campus they grab something at a coffee shop together and it’s nice. After the first time they go out together it becomes natural to them to be always with each other, it happens fast and Youngjae should have stopped it if he was smarter. The thing about Jaebeom being or not into guys still bothers him but is not like he’s going to ask him that, at least not for now. 

It doesn’t take long for all of them to be hanging out, it all started when Mark convinced him, Bambam, and Yugyeom to go to a bar with him and Jackson he didn’t know Jackson’s friends would be there as well. He gets to meet Jinyoung who is a nice guy he thinks, but he doesn’t look at him twice, too emerged on the fact that he’s with Jaebeom and their friends like this. After this they all start to hang out more, Youngjae even starts liking Jackson better, he was suspicious of the guy at first but now that he and Mark are officially dating he took his time to know him better, turns out the Chinese boy isn’t that bad. 

It also doesn’t take long for Mark to notice how close Youngjae is getting to Jaebeom, much closer to him than with the others. “It’s weird seeing you two always talking to each other with dumbfounded faces. Like I swear you had heart eyes the last time,”

“Really, Mark? Stop being an idiot I don’t have heart-eyes to anyone, not even for you.” Youngjae says annoyed sitting by his side on Mark’s bed, he spent the night but now he kinda regrets even showing up, Mark can’t stop bringing up Jaebeom’s name. 

“I’m just saying. I was sure he wasn’t into men but seeing the way he looks at you I’m starting to wonder… should I ask Jackson if he knows anything?” 

Youngjae almost screams ‘yes’ because he wouldn’t want anything more than to find this out, but the truth is that he already lost his hope. Never someone who wanted to sleep with him has wasted so much time like Jaebeom, they’ve known each other for almost three months now, Youngjae isn’t obsessing over him anymore, of course, he isn’t. 

“No, why ‘d you do that? I really don’t care, he’s just a friend to me,” 

Mark nods obviously not believing what he said, “sure, then I think you wanna find out for yourself. Well, good luck with that since you don’t seem to be doing any progress.” 

Youngjae tells him off already fed up with the conversation, he forgets all about Mark though. Jaebeom texts him asking if he wants to meet up, Youngjae doesn’t need to even think about it. He leaves Mark’s place without telling him where he is going to, he has a feeling the other already know just by the look in his face. Not that that would stop him. Jaebeom takes him to a cheap Japanese restaurant, so they can have lunch together for no other reason than wanting to spend time with the younger. Youngjae spends the entire afternoon trying to see something in Jaebeom’s eyes, is he looking at him in a different way?

“Why are you looking at me funny? Do I have something in my face all day long and you didn’t tell me?” Jaebeom questions when they are back at his place to play video games together. 

“What? No. I’m not looking at you funny,” he denies to which Jaebeom only hums, they keep on playing, Youngjae always beats the older one, it’s like he isn’t even trying or he is and it’s just too bad at it. 

“Ah, I’m tired. Do you want to spend the night here? We can do something nice tomorrow, I don’t know, go to a park or something,” all Youngjae is sure of is that he pales hearing this, sleeping over? They haven’t done it yet, and even if he thinks they are just friends and that it shouldn’t be a big deal it’s kind of surprising. “You don’t have too, am I overstepping?”

“No! It’s not that, I just haven’t spent last night at home either so I’m kinda crashing at my friends’ place a lot.”

Jaebeom seems relieved but there’s also something dark on his face now, a black cloud. “So?”

“Yeah, it would be nice… I’d like that.” As soon as he says these words Mark texts him. 

_ Markie 23:36 _

_ jackson also thinks Jaebeom looks at you like /that/  _

They are all wrong though because if Jaebeom did really look at him in any way, if he was at least a bit interested he would have done something tonight. They talked for hours, Youngjae laying in a mattress by Jaebeom’s bed and they don’t ever seem tired of talking, at least not ‘till one of them fall asleep, he isn’t even sure which one of them slept first.

The thing is that even Jaebeom really wanted something with him, anything, he would have acted on it. They spent all night and then all day together, they went to a beautiful park with a lake on it that Jaebeom said was his favorite, but nothing happened. They were really just friends being friends there wasn’t much of anything else. 

Youngjae came to terms with the fact that nothing would happen to them other than being friends, the Christmas break was good for that, spending time away from Jaebeom and being able to see Coco helped him to not focus so much on the guy. They texted just like usual, Jaebeom would call him as well but it wasn’t enough for Youngjae to change his mind if anything it was just more proof that they were just friends and would continue being so. 

When pretty much all of his friends were back home, they decided to go to a club it was reasonable that they would like to spend time together after not seeing each other for a few weeks. It’s been almost a month since Youngjae last saw Jaebeom when he had to leave he couldn’t even see him good-bye since he already had his ticket home with him and he had no time to see the other before leaving, both too busy with school. 

He didn’t want to admit that he was nervous, he shouldn’t be nervous about meeting a friend after a few weeks it didn’t happen with Mark, so why would it happen just because it was Jaebeom? Youngjae had to think about Jaebeom as he thought of Mark, now that would be impossible he sighed to himself while he picked the clothes he would wear tonight. 

Youngjae checked his phone for what felt like the hundredth time in less than twenty minutes, Jaebeom hasn’t been texting him a lot these past days but especially not today. His silence was killing the younger but he decided to not say anything at least not ‘till they see each other, than he would be sure if something was wrong. 

When he saw Jaebeom Youngjae’s first instinct was to run into his arms, he didn’t. Jaebeom just said a cold ‘hi’ when they saw each other and that made Youngjae furious, not like he owed him anything but the boy missed the other, more than he can put in words, more than he even dares to think about. And he gets is a weird ‘hi’? Instead of asking what’s wrong Youngjae blatantly rolls his eyes, not trying to be discreet at all, if everyone around him noticed he didn’t care, he was mad  _ mad _ .

They ignore each other all night, Jaebeom tied at the club’s bar while Youngjae danced with Bammie and Yugyeom. Youngjae would steal looks from time to time but not even once had Jaebeom moved from his place or even looked to the side. Ridiculous. Pathetic even Youngjae thought, can’t he use his damn words? It was after a long time that Youngjae checked again and didn’t see the other, he felt worry creeping through his whole body, Jaebeom was probably drunk at this rate, he was also being weird, he shouldn’t be left alone. 

He didn’t have much time to feel guilty or to even start looking for his friend, there was a hand on his lower stomach and a warm body pressing itself to his back. Youngjae almost jumped with the sweet and a bit husky voice on his right ear, “you look so hot tonight… You always do but tonight I can’t stop thinking about how hot you look in these damn tight jeans…”

Then there are fucking lips kissing his neck and Youngjae pushes Jaebeom away from him with the little strength left on his body after this. “What are you doing?” He doesn’t need an answer, just like he thought Jaebeom is drunk, he can barely keep his body standing up but he’s also smiling for the first time tonight. “God, why would drink like that? I should take you home,”

“Yeah, I want to go home with you,” Jaebeom held his hand on his trying to pull him out of the club as if he had any power over Youngjae who didn’t even drink anything. He let himself be pulled only to see how far Jaebeom could go, not too far it seemed, he stopped to look at Youngjae just thirty seconds later. “You going home with me, right?”

“I’m taking you home, dumbass. It’s different,” he pulled Jaebeom against his body to give the other some support and walked them to the nearest exit. He was done with the whole 'let’s see what Jaebeom can do', he was more interested in the reason why his stupid ass has drunk so much. But he wouldn’t get it out from him, Youngjae realized it as soon as they got inside the Uber and Jaebeom couldn’t stop clinging to him without making any sense out of his words. 

They got to Jaebeom’s apartment after Youngjae had to fish the keys from Jaebeom’s trousers himself. He texted Bambam letting him know he already left, not that he got anything back. Jaebeom was a pain in the ass, he wouldn’t let go of Youngjae even though they were already inside the apartment and he should just go to sleep. 

Youngjae had to beat his hands away from his body, looking annoyed he huffed, “stop that already, go to sleep. I have to leave.”

“Why? Don’t,” Jaebeom’s words were slow just like a drunk would talk, but his face resembled a kid’s he was on the verge of tears. 

Youngjae laughed, okay maybe that was a bit funny. “Will you cry if I leave?”

He was mocking the other but Jaebeom was too drunk to notice his voice tone, “yes… please stay the night, I don’t want to be alone.”

Youngjae felt warmth invading his body, it was the first time he blushed in front of Jaebeom and it was because of something so small, so dumb. But seeing Jaebeom ask to not be alone broke something inside him, broke something in his heart. He wanted to take care of the older boy, so he assured him that he wouldn’t leave. Still, he slept on the couch, he felt too weird sleeping on Jaebeom’s spare mattress by his bed while the other was drunk. 

It was shitty having to sleep on his clothes but Youngjae was too tired to be bothered by it. He woke the next day feeling too uncomfortable to keep sleeping, so he used the restroom, ate almost all of Jaebeom’s Oreo cereal and still the other was asleep. Youngjae wanted to leave, he had to work on a song for his classic music class, he has procrastinated for long enough already, but it didn’t feel right to leave without talking to Jaebeom. He wanted to know what was all that whole drinking thing all about, plus he didn’t want the other to think he was all by himself without even knowing how he got home. 

It took so long for Jaebeom to finally wake up that Youngjae was already considering just text telling him he left, but when he was about to Jaebeom was standing in front of him in the living room. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, just gray sweatpants, and his hair was a mess, it took Youngjae’s breath away just from looking at him. 

“You here?” The words were still slow but Jaebeom obviously isn’t drunk anymore. 

“Yeah, I brought you home last night in case you don’t remember. You got shit-faced, it was pathetic if you want to know.” Youngjae was trying to make him feel ashamed but it wasn’t supposed to be mean, Jaebeom looked down at his hands for too long ‘till he spoke again. 

“I remember it, I don’t tend to forget the shit I do. I was just surprised you haven’t left after…” 

Youngjae rolls his eyes, Jaebeom has the power of making him rolls his eyes a lot. “After what? Come on, it’s all good you were drunk and it will only be weird if you want it to be weird.” But Jaebeom hasn’t looked at him yet, looking too embarrassed, “dude, I already said that it’s cool stop acting like that. And anyway, I have to go now so stop being a dumbass and just tell me why did you drink as if your life depended on it.”

“I wasn’t feeling too good, I-- listen, I’m really sorry I shouldn’t have attacked you like last night,” 

Youngjae is starting to lose it, he’s mad with the entire thing from Jaebeom being cold to him for days now to his annoying apologies. “You haven’t been feeling good for a while then, huh? ‘Cos you’ve been a dick not replying to my texts and not even looking at me when we finally got to see each other--”

“Sorry, alright? I’m sorry, I don’t want to act like that it wasn’t my intention, it wasn’t supposed to affect you in any way. It’s just I’m feeling troubled…”

“And why is that? What’s troubling your pretty mind?” Jaebeom doesn’t answer, Youngjae can only see that he’s blushing because of the dark shade of red on his ears. “Don’t mind it, you don’t have to tell me. Fix it yourself.”

So what if Youngjae was annoyed? He was never one to ask his friends to tell him everything, he could deal with people not telling each other everything just fine. But the way Jaebeom was acing was irritating, he obviously was having a problem and he couldn’t share with Youngjae so he might as well deal with it alone. 

Youngjae got his things without another word when he put on his jacket in he felt the small box on his inner pocket. Walking back at where Jaebeom was still standing Youngjae took the box and handed it to him not wanting to say anything. 

“What is this?” 

“A dumb shit I got you for your birthday but since we weren’t even in the same state I couldn’t give it to you. But here take it.” Youngjae voice was harder than he intended it to be and he probably would regret it later, but not now. He could hear Jaebeom opening it but he didn’t look at him anymore, he just left the apartment, wanting to kick something. 

Youngjae wasn’t even outside the building yet when his phone rang, it was Jaebeom he rolled his eyes again. As soon as he picked up the other was talking, “can you come back?”

“Don’t feel like it, so no.” 

Jaebeom sighed tiredly, “please, let me talk to you.”

Youngjae hanged up on him but took the elevator back to Jaebeom’s floor, he knocked on the door having a flashback of the first time he was here. It feels like a decade ago. Jaebeom’s is fast to open the door for him, he put on a tank top and was wearing the bracelet Youngjae got him. It was simple, just a thin chain with small pendants of the moon, all in rose gold. It looked beautiful against his skin, just like Youngjae thought it would, the money he spent on it was worth it. 

“What,” he doesn’t comment on the fact that the bracelet looks good on him, he pretends to not notice it. 

They sit at the couch far from each other, “don’t be mad at me, it’s just hard to talk about some stuff…”

“I’m not mad,” it’s a blatant lie, they both know it. “You can talk to me about whatever is it that is bothering you, it's not nice to be pushed off.”

“I don’t feel like I can,”

That surprises Youngjae more than he thought it would, he expected Jaebeom to say that he’s just closed off or something like that not to say that he can’t talk about whatever is bothering him with Youngjae specifically. 

“So, you shouldn’t have called me here then, I don’t feel like I should be here.” He waits for Jaebeom to say anything which he doesn’t, so he really thinks he shouldn’t be here at all, things are just getting worse. 

Before Yungjae can get to the door Jabeom is turning him around, “I hate it when you walk through this door.” 

“What do you want me to do?” It’s not like Youngjae lives here and it’s not like he and Jaebeom are even being a good company to each other. 

He ignores Youngjae question, body getting closer and closer to his, they are almost touching and this might be the most proximity they ever had. “Don’t you wanna know why I wanted to be with you so bad last night? Why I kissed your entire neck as if it belonged to me, why I couldn’t take my hands off of you? Why don’t you ask these questions?”

Youngjae looks at him confused, he didn’t think much of any of these things, he knew Jaebeom was drunk and probably was just acting crazy, he didn’t know why was this even important. So he said so, “is this important?” 

Jaebeom almost backed off from him but then instantly he didn’t, he was pressing Youngjae’s body against the door hard. “You can’t act like that, Youngjae! In a moment I think you’re flirting with me that you want it as much as I do but in the next, you’re acting completely oblivious like-- I can’t take this anymore.”

Youngjae barely has any space to shake his mind trying to understand every word Jaebeom just said. He was the oblivious one? He wanted to laugh, this was stupid. “What is it that you want, Jaebeom?”

Jaebeom’s low voice does something to Youngjae body that he never felt before, “you. Just you.”

It’s all too much to process, his face is getting closer to Youngjae’s and it’s not like he doesn’t want this because he’s been wanting this for longer than Jaebeom has but he remembers Mark’s words and presses his hands to Jaebeom’s chest trying to stop his movements. “Aren’t you straight?”

Jaebeom’s eyes bulge but then he just closes then and rests his head against the door next to Youngjae, “I-- don’t think I am… not since I saw you at that damn party and all I can think about is you and how your body would feel pressed against mine, how your plump lips would taste… how would it be like to be touched by you.”

If it was anyone else Youngjae wouldn’t think about it, he would already be showing Jaebeom exactly how they could feel together. But it was Jaebeom, they got too close too fast, Youngjae cared. “Are you after some experience with men and shit?”

“I’m begging you to stop being so oblivious! I might not be sure about this whole ‘liking men’ stuff but I’m sure about wanting you. It's about you. If you don’t want it just let me down already.” His voice was still too close to Youngjae, his breath tickling the hair on his nape. 

Youngjae had a bad feeling about this, he should lie and say he didn’t want it but he did, he wanted it and now there were no smart thoughts able to stop him. He pulls at Jaebeom’s hair just enough to let their faces closer than before, their eyes meeting and it burns Youngjae from the inside out. 

He attacks Jaebeom’s mouth with not delicacy, it didn’t even felt like a first kiss, it felt like he was just returning to something he missed badly. It was too hot, too passionate, too desperate. Youngjae was the one pressing against Jaebeom as if his life depended on it, holding him by the hair while he ravaged the other’s mouth, biting at his lips hard, sucking on his tongue with intent. 

Jaebeom wasn’t as responsive as him so Youngjae stopped pulling Jaebeom’s hair to look at him again, “is this okay?”

“Yeah, yeah-- it’s--” Jaebeom doesn’t finish his words, he kisses Youngjae again but it’s like he is holding back, it’s a chaste kiss and the younger boy isn’t having any of it. He pushes Jaebeom till they turn places and he is done being pressed on the door now. Youngjae likes how he feels more on power in this position, he takes one of Jaebeom’s legs circling it around his own waist while he deepens the kiss at the same time. 

Jaebeom moans into the kiss and it’s just too good, Youngjae has a second to think that he wouldn’t be able to walk away now even if he tried to. “Can we-- can we just--”

“Yeah,” Jaebeom doesn’t even know what he’s agreeing to, but he’s so willing it blows Youngjae mind. Seeing his red and bitten lips and knowing he was the one who did it it’s equally as good as the kissing. 

“Alright, let me--” Youngjae was not good at talking right now so he just gave up on it deciding to put his mouth to better use. He kisses Jaebeom’s neck, exploring all the fine extent of it with his lips and tongue when he starts using his teeth is when Jaebeom starts moaning hands never stopping looking for a place to hold on. 

Jaebeom is just too sensitive to being touched, he wasn’t being too responsive at first but now he is moaning so loudly, squeezing his hand on Youngjae’s ass trying to get more contact. Youngjae takes Jaebeom’s shirt off without any care he fills the older’s torso with kisses and bites, ‘till he finds his nipples sucking at one of them while his hands explore Jaebeom’s body. 

“I can’t… I’m gonna fall,” Jaebeom’s voice doesn’t even sound like his own, he tries to push Youngjae away from him with no avail. The boy just bites harder at his right nipple, the moan flooding his ears is enough of a reward. He holds Jaebeom’s body that true to his words it’s starting to lose all its strength, but it isn’t practical for long not to what Youngjae wants to do to him. 

“Okay, let’s go to your bed,” he doesn’t need to hear a reply, going back to Jaebeom’s mouth like a hunger man. They walk all the way to the other’s room without breaking apart, the kiss becomes messy and they knock down a bunch of things on their way but they don’t care. 

Youngjae shoves Jaebeom on his bed, taking his own shirt off before laying on top of him. Jaebeom’s eyes are blissed while he looks at Youngjae’s body in a sinful way. If he said he has never been with a man right now Youngjae wouldn’t believe him, not with the way he’s jerking his hips up to find some friction on his friend’s body. 

They are obviously hard already even though they haven’t done much, “I’ll give you something nice, a better birthday gift than this,” Youngjae points at the bracelet but Jaebeom only shakes his head at him as if it can’t be better, he’s wrong though. 

Youngjae downs Jaebeom’s sweatpants all the way off and to his surprise, the other isn’t wearing anything under it, “I-- I didn’t plan it, it was just to sleep in.”

Jaebeom is blushing prettily under him, and it’s the most beautiful thing to see him blush when he’s totally naked, the blush invades his neck and chest. Everything is red, but nothing redder than the deep shade of it of Jaebeom’s leaking dick. Youngjae wants to dive in, but he doesn’t, first, he gives attention to the older boy’s legs, he licks at the bites he leaves there blowing warm breaths over them. 

There are whines and moans coming from under him, they sounded better than any sound Younjae has ever heard. He didn’t want to think about how he wanted to listen to those pretty sounds for as long as he could, it was a one-time thing, it was always a one-time thing for Youngjae. It didn’t matter now though. 

“You look really pretty under me,” Youngjae tells the other while he caresses his thighs, holding on them hard enough to let marks of his palms. “So, so beautiful all presented like that to me,”

“Stop,” Jaebeom hides his faces with his hands but Youngjae isn’t having any of it, he takes Jaebeom’s hands away holding them over his head. The long-haired boy looks way too innocent for the situation they are now, Youngjae kisses him only because he can. 

Soon Jaebeom is begging for more, his hard-on painfully brushing over and over against Youngjae’s zipper. So, Youngjae takes mercy on him, is not like he isn’t uncomfortable on his tight jeans as well, he gets up jo for a second to be able to take off his underwear along with his jeans. 

The air is knocked out of him as soon as he lays over Jaebeom again and their erections brush against each other. Jaebeom becomes a mess of whines and moans, jerking his hips without pace desperate for release while the boy on top tries to keep the pace of his rolls. Youngjae presses him on the mattress with his hands on his waist, “calm down, I’ll make it good for you.”

“I’m too close already, just--”

“No, you’re not cumming just from that, no way,” Youngjae has imagined this to go in many ways. It’s not because he accepted his fate as being Jaebeom’s friend that he has stopped wanting him, every time he jerked off the only thing Youngjae could think about was the other one. So, of course, he had a lot of ideas on his mind but he wanted it to be good for Jaebeom, he probably has never been with a man before so it got to be the best thing he has ever had. 

Youngjae lowers his body enough to be faced with Jaebeom’s hard dick, he pumps it just to make all the extension of it wet. It’s the most vocal Jaebeom has been all afternoon, at least ‘till every sound he’s making dies on his throat when Youngjae sucks slowly at the tip, tongue playing with his glans. Jaebeom’s body is shaking over so little, Youngjae would laugh if there wasn’t a dick on his mouth, he keeps jerking the other slowly getting more and more of him into his mouth, working his tongue as best as he knows how. 

Youngjae swallows the entire length into his mouth, it has been a while since he sucked a guy off for many reasons he tells himself quickly, but his throat adapts fast to Jaebeom’s dick. Youngjae licks and sucks non-stop at the dick in front of him, ‘till it starts to become too much even for him and the pressure he is feeling between his own legs. 

He taps Jaebeom’s sides trying to let the other understand what he wants but he doesn’t, so he takes the dick off his mouth but keeps on jerking him. “Fuck my mouth,” seeing how the other hesitates Youngjae assures him that it’s okay, “come on, I want it. I want you to cum on my mouth while you fuck it,”

Jaebeom cries out not thinking about it again, he holds on Youngjae’s hair for some leverage hitting the back of Youngjae’s throat with every thrust. Youngjae jerks himself to the same pace Jaebeom fucks his mouth, it’s a merciless pace, the wet noises invading the room, the only sound apart from Jaebeom’s moans. 

There are tears rolling down Youngjae’s face, but he doesn’t mind it, doesn’t mind the lack of air he’s getting not when Jaebeom looks so desperate his thrusts starting to become messy. He can’t take his eyes off Jaebeom’s who has his own closed, he’s ethereal Youngjae thinks he would tell him that if he could. 

Jaebeom is after his release not caring about keeping his pace anymore, Youngjae likes it, Jaebeom’s whole body shaking while he fucks his mouth desperately. It’s obvious that he’s close, it’s too soon Youngjae thinks he would like it to last a bit more, only a bit, but Jaebeom can’t help it he knows it. He’s thrusting hard and fast and Youngjae lets him, he cums without warning, it takes the younger one by surprise but he recovers from it quickly.

He keeps on sucking Jaebeom even after the boy stops his movements, just shaking with the aftershocks under him. Youngjae swallows all the cum on his mouth, is not like he had an option but he likes it so it’s good. Jaebeom is crying from overstimulation by the time Youngjae lets go of his dick. He doesn’t complain about it though. 

Youngjae goes back to the same level as Jaebeom so he can kiss him, the truth is that Jaebeom can’t even open his eyes he almost looks like a passed out person but he still kisses back. Youngjae jerks himself fast, thrusting on his hand while he fucks his tongue in and out of Jaebom’s mouth. 

He cums with a cry between them, painting Jaebom’s entire stomach and chest, it’s hot seeing him all white from Youngjae’s cum. Jaebeom opens his eyes just when Youngjae takes the discarded sweatpants to clean him off, Youngjae gives his chest a few kisses after he's clean proceeding to kiss his mouth again. 

“It’s not weird that I kissed you after sucking you off is it?”

Jaebeom’s expression is so lost as if he has no idea what Youngjae is even talking about, then he just exhales. “Of course not. I want you to kiss me,”

Youngjae hums kissing him again, there is no urge to do it fast anymore, they are both relaxed and just want to enjoy each other. Jaebeom keeps scratching at his back softly, they almost fall asleep while they kiss, at least Youngjae almost does. But Jaebeom speaks again, holding his face to be able to look at Youngjae eyes, he seems more lucid now. 

“I’m sorry for not warning you about-- well, sorry for cumming down your throat without a warn and sorry for not helping you with your…” 

“You’re shy now? For not helping me with my hard-on, you can say it. Come on, say ‘hard-on’.” Jaebeom just slaps his shoulder, not saying a word, “you need to be able to say stuff like that if you want y’know fuck. Anyways it’s alright, I didn’t mind it you were passed out, I guess.”

“Was not!” He says while he turns their bodies on the bed, laying on top of Youngjae instead. “I could make it up to you it’s a shame you didn’t mind though.”

Youngjae likes it the most when Jaebeom is being playful, usually he isn’t funny but Youngjae always laughs when he isn’t taking everything too seriously. “Guess it as kind of a bummer, to be honest.” He laughs in Jaebeom’s mouth as he gets kissed again. 

“You think you can get it up again fast enough?” 

“Now we are talking,” so it isn’t a one-time thing but it won’t be more than a two-time thing. 

It’s more than a two-time thing, definitely more it’s more than two times. It happens so many times Youngjae can’t even keep track of it anymore. He and Jaebeom will find any excuses to be alone together as they can. Since Youngjae lives with Bambam they are more often than not at Jaebeom’s place. Youngjae will bring his homework and do everything there, the only time he can’t do it is when he’s working in some piece of composition or when he has to rehearse, it’s not really possible to take the piano from the school propriety just to play it at Jaebeom’s. 

At some point, Youngjae thought it would become weird what if they spending so much time together even when they weren’t fucking but he remembered himself that they were still friends. But Youngjae has never fucked a friend, he has never actually cared for the person he was sleeping with, he had never been with just one person for so long either. They’ve been doing it for months now, tried shit Youngjae didn’t ever do with anyone before, they weren’t judgmental and if something wasn’t as good as they thought it would be they’d just laugh it off.

So, Youngjae kinda got used to only seeing Jaebeom, it’s not like he needed anyone else Jaebeom was enough for him. He has been enough for Youngjae since the beginning but he hates admitting this so he tries not to think about it. Bambam doesn’t even care about his whereabouts, he’s used to Youngjae being out a lot but he soon becomes suspicious. 

In one of the rare occasions where they were at home at the same time, Yugyeom was also over at their place. “I saw you the day before yesterday at the campus with Jaebeom, by the way. I tried calling you but I guess you didn’t hear me,”

Bambam narrows his eyes, although Yugyeom’s comment was pretty innocent Youngjae knows his roommate’s mind isn’t as innocent. “Really, and what were they doing Gyeommie?”

“Nothing,” Youngjae interrupts, “at last nothing that it’s your business.” 

Yugyeom laughs and for a moment Youngjae is scared that they were doing something, but they never do anything in public. They were always discreet, it wasn’t something they agreed on it was just natural for them. “They weren’t doing anything, Bam. Just walking I guess.”

“Walking, right.” Bambam’s voice was suspicious but he didn’t say anything, he just went to the kitchen to take two big bags of Doritos. 

“You know, I didn’t know it would bother you me bringing up seeing you and Jaebeom together,” 

Youngjae is confused, Yugyeom noticed something obviously. “It didn’t bother me,”

“Well, you were quick to say you weren’t doing anything even though I’m pretty sure you two were holding hands. Not that holding hands is actually doing something but you two were walking so close and you seemed really happy,”

He’s left open-mouthed, Youngjae can’t even defend himself because Bambam comes back to the living room soon after that. He can’t believe he was holding hands with Jaebeom at college, he just can’t believe he wouldn’t have noticed something like that. He wants to call Jaebeom only to ask that but he doesn’t want the other to think he’s overreacting, because he isn’t. 

When they talk later at night Jaebeom says he missed him today and it shouldn’t make Youngjae feel funny, it does though. When they hang up Youngjae finds himself smiling at the ceiling for no other reason than not being able to stop it. He remembers what Yugyeom said about how he seemed happy and can’t help wonder if he ever felt  _ this  _ happy before, he can admit to himself that he’s happy there’s no use in denying it. But he can’t think of a time when he’s ever being happy like he is now, maybe when he got Coco but that was it. 

He’s full of schoolwork, he has to make a self composition song to his semiannual project, has other projects that he hasn’t even started, has to spend more time rehearsing since he’s being way too relapse with that. Yet he can’t feel all that pressured, even if there’s pressure he can’t be too worried about it. Jaebeom makes him forget about all the things he should worry about when he kisses Youngjae before they fall asleep, or when he meets Youngjae outside one of his classes with his favorite coffee order in hands. He makes Youngjae forget about everything when they fuck and Jaebeom holds him close afterward. 

It was just a matter of time for him to realize what he should have realized as soon as he laid eyes on Jaebeom, as soon as he saw his pic on Mark’s Instagram. Jaebeom had him. He was the only person that could have Youngjae. 

Youngjae panicked when they were watching ‘Community’ on Jaebeom’s couch, the other man resting his head on Youngjae’s lap while he played with his hair. It all felt too peaceful, ‘till Youngjae laughed about something funny Abed said but Jaebeom didn’t react at all even though Abed was his favorite character and he would laugh at anything he did or said. 

Youngjae notices he fell asleep, looking so small and unprotected he can’t help dropping a kiss to Jaebeom’s forehead. The older boy smiles as if he could feel it on his sleep, Youngjae’s heart beats so fast is like it’s going to get his chest open at any moment. 

“Fuck no,” he whispers in order to not wake Jaebeom up but he’s shaking, he can’t breathe properly, he needs air, needs to just-- Youngjae places Jaebeom’s head on the couch as soft as he can, using one cushion for him to be comfortable. 

It didn’t work, nothing worked out for him. As soon as he got to the balcony, opening it to see if he could breathe like a normal person again, Jaebeom is hugging him from behind speaking softly. 

“Why did you leave me by myself--” but he doesn’t finish it, Youngjae is breathing too quickly and too loudly, of course, he would notice it. “Hey, wants wrong? Did something happen?”

He turns Youngjae around so he can look at him, he looks so beautiful, face a little swollen, eyes tired, Youngjae can’t believe how much feelings he’s having for him right now. “No, nothing happened. I’m just tired, maybe I should leave.”

“You don’t like it when I don’t tell you what’s bothering me so why are you lying like that?” But his voice isn’t hard if anything he says these words with his best honey voice. 

“I like this, I mean us… I like it.” 

Jaebeom doesn’t seem to understand what he means, “and is that a problem?”

Yes, this is a problem. Why can’t he just understand that Youngjae is freaking out here? He likes more than just the idea of them, he likes Jaebeom. God, he might be in love for the first time in his life and Jaebeom is acting like there’s nothing happening. This wasn’t even supposed to happen. 

“Do you like it too?” 

Jaebeom laughs, Youngjae wants to punch him he’s feeling vulnerable and the other can’t even see it. “Of course, I like it. I wouldn’t spend every second of my day with you if I didn’t like being with you. Why are you think about that now?”

“I don’t know, I had a hard day I guess I'm too tired,” the only solution out of this is lying ‘cause there’s no way Youngjae will tell Jaebeom what he just found out, it would ruin everything they have. 

“Alright, let’s go to bed then. I’ll make sure all your stress go away.”

It didn’t go away, it only got worse by the second. Every touch from Jaebeom was like a thousand knives being shoved on his body, Youngjae wanted to yell at him to just stop making him fall. That wasn’t fair, none of this was fair. He wasn’t supposed to be the one falling in love like this, it should be Jaebeom this is not the type of thing Youngjae does. God, he would get a broken heart from this one.

He knew Jaebeom would break his heart soon or later, he didn’t do anything about it though. Being completely honest with himself Youngjae wouldn’t know what to do, he was in love with every damn stupid thing Jaebeom did. He knew he was being pathetic for that, he always thought people who love everything in another one were stupid, and now here he was. 

And if he would keep his honesty Youngjae would admit that even if given the chance maybe he wouldn’t stop himself from falling for Jaebeom. It just felt so good, to be with him felt just so, so good. He wanted this feeling to last, he wanted Jaebeom to love him just like he did. So, he didn’t even try to stop it. Youngjae should have stopped it. 

He just realizes he should have stopped it one a Thursday night when he calls Jaebeom and the other doesn’t pick it up, he sends a bunch of texts but gets no reply. Youngjae doesn’t think much of it, Jaebeom might be busy it wasn’t a big deal. Wasn’t a big deal ‘till Jaebeom replied in the next day only with a  _ ‘was sleeping sorry’ _ , and nothing else. Then it all became a big deal. 

They were at Jaebeom’s place but the other barely kissed him, it was just a chaste peck on the lips. They didn’t talk much either, Youngjae tried to make him engage on conversation as much as he could but Jaebeom obviously wasn’t so interested. Youngjae was letting it all slide, he was tired of pressing Jaebeom to tell him when something was wrong, he didn’t like it when he had to beg for the other to just talk to him. 

It was just on the next Wednesday that Youngjae snapped. He was trying to be as nice and as understanding as he could, they haven’t spent much time together the last days so he thought it would be nice to go somewhere, to leave that apartment to even make a bold move and let Jaebeom know how he was feeling. 

“Hey, there’s this new Thai restaurant that Bambam went to last week, he said it’s really good. I don’t like spicy food but I don’t know we could go there tomorrow if you’re up to it,” he really tried to ignore the bad feeling in his stomach, there weren’t butterflies there anymore just anxiety. 

Jaebeom looked at him from the other side of the couch, they weren’t even sitting close to each other. “Why would we go to a place where you don’t even like the food?”

“Because you might like it? I was just trying to be nice, one of us should be.” And that catches Jaebeom’s attention but not in the way Youngjae wanted it to. He thought the older boy would ask him what he was talking about maybe apologize for the way he was acting but nothing of that.

He just rose one of his brows, “I don’t need you to be nice to me, you can keep it.”

“What? What the fuck is wrong with you, Jaebeom? I’m trying here but you can’t even talk to me like a normal person and when you do talk is to be fucking rude,” Youngjae feels his body starting to get warm from anger and frustration. 

“And why do you care? Don’t you have other things or I don’t know other people to worry about?” Youngjae was ready to punch him, he wasn’t understanding shit but he wasn’t being treated well and he couldn’t stand it. Before he could say anything Jaebeom walked out to the kitchen. 

Youngjae followed him angrily, heavy steps hitting the floor. “What is that even supposed to mean?”

“Don’t play dumb, it’s getting old.” He wasn’t even looking at Youngjae, he had the fridge door open while he looked for a bottle of water not giving a shit about their conversation and that was boiling Youngjae’s blood even more. 

“You stop acting like that and just tell me what the fuck is wrong, I don’t like this kind of game.”

“Oh, you don’t like it? That’s funny you’ve been playing it since the beginning I don’t know why don’t you like it anymore.”

“Fuck you! Talk like a normal human being! Stop just throwing anything that comes to your mind and fucking say what you want to say ‘cos you obviously want to say something.” 

Jaebeom then turns at him nodding his head, licking his lips with a dark expression on his face. Youngjae has never seen him look like that, “sure, let me explain things to you so maybe you will understand it. You know people talk about you, right? You thought I would never hear about you fucking a bunch of guys like a--”

“Hey, stop it! So what, you’ve been gossiping with people behind my back and now you think you can treat me like that? What things I used to do before has anything to do with you?” 

Jaebeom stands close, too close to him for someone who is trying to have an argument, “when were you planning on fucking telling me? If I didn’t mean shit to you I think it’s only my right to know about it, but instead, I need to hear from others what you always do to people.”

Youngjae wanted to explain himself, wanted to say that he didn’t do anything to anyone that people he had one-night stands knew what they were. He never dated anyone, never cheated on them, he didn’t know where all of this was coming from. He tried breathing, tried to find the best words but nothing would come to mind. So, he thought being clear would be the only way.

“Listen, Jaebeom I don’t know why you reacting like that. I didn’t tell you about my past because it didn’t seem important, we weren’t dating and--”

“Oh, of course, we weren’t dating so you could just sleep around while I thought it was just me and you,” 

And really Youngjae would punch him if he could, he won’t even let the boy speak. “I-- for Christ’s sake it wasn’t like that!” Youngjae put some distance between them, “I haven’t seen anyone since--”

“I don’t care, it’s your life, isn’t it? We aren’t dating you said so yourself, so I think it’s best if you leave. Just get out,” Jaebeom was mad, that was the thing with his face, Youngjae didn’t understand he should be the one mad. He was the one who fell in love and he was the one being treated like shit for stuff he did when he didn’t even understand.

“If you’d just let me speak--”

“I already said I don’t care. I don’t want to see you anymore I just you to fucking leave already, that was what you were going to do soon, wasn’t it?”

Youngjae pushes him, it’s the only thing he can do with his anger. Jaebeom looks shocked at the act ready to speak again but this time Youngjae doesn’t let him, “if you wanted me to be out of your life why didn’t you say before? Why you kept talking to me, letting me come over, couldn’t you have told me to piss off?”

The incredulous eyes that find his ones don’t tell Youngjae anything, Jaebeom is just quiet for a long moment as if the other were supposed to understand what this meant. “Why does it matter?  _ Now  _ I’m asking to leave and to not come back so if you could just do that.”

“Fuck you. Really Lim Jaebeom, fuck you!” Youngjae pushes him out of his way just for good measure. He leaves the apartment wishing it was a punch instead of a simple push, he hates Jaebeom just hates him, hates his face, hates everything about him. 

He left a lot of his stuff behind at Jaebeom’s place, he had a paper he was working on there, he had a bunch of clothes since he would spend so much time there but right now he didn’t care. Youngjae would never step foot on there ever again.

It was pathetic, the situation was pathetic, Youngjae was pathetic, everything was just so pathetic. So that’s why people would always say you shouldn’t date, Youngjae didn’t even date, well, it felt like dating but they didn’t really date and yet he had his heart broken like that. It was natural that after having his first love he would also have his first heartbreak, it all made sense but the fact that it all came so fast was messing up with Youngjae’s mind. 

He had the worst days of his life, lying in bed all day and night, not talking to anyone just feeling like a burden. Youngjae didn’t even cry, the tears were stuck in his eyes, all he could do was lay in bed thinking about Jaebeom. He has tried everything to just stop thinking about the other, but he couldn’t do it, it was just impossible to rip out someone from his heart like that. 

Youngjae never felt so dumb, he was really feeling like trash because of a boy. He would try to tell himself over and over that it wasn’t his fault, that he hasn’t done anything wrong and that he wasn’t a bad person. But his mind wouldn’t stop even for a second, he would even have nightmares about being all along, with no one by his side, everyone being disgusted by him. 

He has been inside his room without talking to anyone for almost one week when Bambam enters it without knocking. Youngjae looks at him trying to express through his eyes that he isn’t supposed to be here, the other just ignores him. “Don’t you think that’s enough?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Youngjae says not looking at his friend concerned eyes. 

“Dude I don’t know what happened but one day you’re not coming home and the other you’re locked up in your room for days. Do you think that’s normal? You have to eat, hell, you have to go to classes,”

“I don’t care about this stuff,”

“You don’t care about eating? You look as pale as a ghost, come on, you should go to class even if it was only to see people, to socialize.” Bambam says, his face almost too hard to read in the dark room but not that hard. Youngjae knows he’s worried which only makes the boy feel worst. 

“You sound like a mom,”

“That’s all you have to say? Come on, Youngjae, I won’t have you in this room anymore.”

Bambam never asked him what happened, he was just being a good friend, not trying to meddle into his things, yet Youngjae needed to talk about Jaebeom with someone. No one knew about them, they had kept it a secret but now it didn’t feel important. 

“I was fucking Jaebeom, y’know,”

Bambam doesn’t say anything at first but then he sighs deeply, “so?”

“So he dumped me like I was nothing, just went all weird on me at first but then he just told me to get out, simple like that ‘leave, Youngjae.’”

“He told you to leave? The hell is wrong with him? Did something happen?” Now there were a lot of questions, and maybe Youngjae didn’t want to talk about it like he thought he wanted to but now it was too late. 

“He-- he huh, said he heard about me sleeping around and acted like I lied to him since the start. Which I didn’t, and he was so rude, I don’t know if I deserved it all I can keep thinking is if I deserved to be treated like that.” 

“Of course you didn’t, Jae! He was an asshole to you--”

“Yeah, he was but what if I deserved it? I thought about really through everything I have ever done or said to him but I just can’t see why he was mad. I mean, he was mad about something I used to do before I met him, I haven’t slept with anyone since I first met him.”

Bambam gasps at that like that’s brand new information, “dude… you didn’t? And you didn’t tell him that?”

“I tried to! He wouldn’t let me say anything! It was like I had cheated on him or something,”

“Oh, I get it. It’s just a misunderstanding… You should just talk to him not be in this room like a bat. I understand not knowing how to act since it’s the first time you like someone but locking yourself up and not doing something simple as talking seem pretty dumb to me.”

Youngjae wanted to tell him to leave, he wasn’t any help. “Who says I like him?” He liked, he loved Jaebeom, it was too painful to think about it now though. 

“You just said you haven’t been with anyone since you met him, what am I supposed to take from this? And look at you know, if this is not a man in love I don’t know what it is.”

“Those are just assumptions,”

Bambam gets up for the chair he has been sitting in, “just call him and get this over with, you will not spend another day locked here it’s all I’m saying.”

But Youngjae did, he spent another long three days inside his room. He felt even worse after Bambam’s dumb idea, he convinced himself that maybe calling Jaebeom wouldn’t be so bad. He tried calling Jaebeom three times, every time it wouldn’t even ring, it went straight to his voice mail. Jaebeom’s phone could be turned off, he could be in another call, there was a lot of options but all Youngjae could see was Jaebeom blocking his number. 

Then he did cry, he cried as he hard as he could, cried like he wasn’t used to crying. He sobbed so hard it was like he was being punched over and over again, Youngjae never felt so ugly, so unworthy of any kind of attention or love. It was nothing, he knew it, he knew he didn’t need to cry like that over someone he wasn’t even together to start with but he couldn’t stop the pain he was feeling. It was like being abandoned by the only person you’d anything for. 

The pain didn’t give him a break but he had to go back to his life, even if he had to pretend every time he talked to someone. His classmates were worried about him and he had to say it’s was on the flu, the same thing to Mark who was terribly sorry for not checking on him before. Youngjae didn’t mind it, he was actually glad that Mark didn’t show up before, he would be able to read his friend instantly and the last thing Youngjae wanted was Mark being angry at Jaebeom or something like that. 

Youngjae would respect Jaebeom, he might be an asshole but he didn’t want other people, especially the ones there were friends with both of them to pick sides. He only had told Bambam because he had to and because his roommate was never that close to Jaebeom, not really. 

When the boy grew tired of believing every text he got would be from Jaebeom he decided to just go ahead and block his number too. That would be the only way to not hope for anything anymore, he didn’t want to unfollow Jaebeom on Instagram not wanting to seem pathetic so he just deleted the app from his phone. Yeah, that was pathetic too but at least no one would know he did it. 

Youngjae’s plan at first was going back to his life before he met Jaebeom, he knew it would be hard at first but he thought it was possible. Jaebeom wasn’t an essential part of his life, he knew that. No one was essential to someone else’s life, then why was that so hard to do? It was like Youngjae couldn’t even remember how it was like before Jaebeom, going back to not spending all his time with him was a foreign concept like he never did it before. 

Not texting Jaebeom everything that happened on his day was like he had no one to share his life with, even though he had. Youngjae felt so lonely, he had his friends but they just weren’t Jaebeom, he could talk about everything and anything with Mark he knew it but it was Jaebeom the one who always got him without judgments. Except for the fact that he judged Youngjae, judged him for things he did months ago things that weren’t even wrong, it was just Youngjae living his life. 

Why should he cry over someone who would so easily discard him? While he was suffering in his room Jaebeom probably didn’t even miss him. Everytime Youngjae thought about that anger would fill his entire body, he just would hate Jaebeom so much it would be motivation for him to live his life normally ignoring the last months. But he had no control over his stupid brain and how it wouldn’t stop going back to Jaebeom every damn second. 

Going back to his normal life wasn’t an option like Youngjae thought, so he pretended. To Bambam he said that it was all cool that it was just a fling and he wasn’t really heartbroken like the other thought. Of course, he didn’t believe it but Youngjae wouldn’t tell admit his lies, he was lying to himself as well. With Mark and Jackson, he only had to pretend to be real busy it wasn’t really pretending he was busy with his classes, but not enough to never be able to never hang out with them. 

The thing is that Youngjae was scared he would see Jaebeom if he ever went out with his friends, he knew he wouldn’t be able to ignore the older boy forever not with their friends being the same but at least for now he would try. He only saw Mark when the boy went to his apartment since Youngjae would never leave the place if not to go to class and to the music auditorium anymore. 

Mark was super suspicious, he knew Youngjae well and he wanted to know what happened, why the younger boy was acting so weirdly, why he wasn’t he’s smiley self anymore. Youngjae would always say he was just tired but he was happy just fine. Their conversations were becoming short, Mark trying too hard and Youngjae just feeling too depressed to try. Youngjae never thought he would be so depressed over a boy, he guesses it’s bound to happen to everyone at least once in their lifetime. 

It’s been almost two months and things are starting to settle down for him, it doesn’t hurt any less but being so busy it’s hard to even find the time to think about Jaebeom. It’s hard to think about good excuses too. That’s why when he’s trying to fix his composition he doesn’t even see Mark and Jackson watching him at first, Youngjae is too emersed on it, he’s supposed to have it done in the next few days but it’s utter garbage until now. 

“I feel like we could steal your things and you wouldn’t notice it,” Mark’s voice is low behind him mindful to not startle Youngjae but it doesn’t work, the younger of them jumps on the bench hitting his knees on the piano. 

“Ouch! What,” he sees an apologetic Mark and a giggly Jackson as if it was amusing, it wasn’t. “What are you two doing here?”

“Bambam said this is where you live now so we came to pick you up!” Jackson claps his hands already packing Youngjae’s things that are all messed up next to him. It’s past eight in the night and there’s no one else at the practice room anymore, Youngjae thinks he’s the only one who didn’t do his damn song on time and now he is paying for his mistakes. 

“Thank you, but I don’t need a ride home. Plus I’m still working here, I’m busy,” he tries to beat Jackson’s hands away from his bag but it doesn’t work. 

Mark just pushes him up, “you’ve worked enough for a day, you coming with us to grab something--”

“I’m not like I said I’m still busy here,” 

Jackson and Mark exchange glances, “you can say whatever you want you're still coming, you can’t stay here all day and night you have to eat, also we haven’t hanged out in forever. Stop being a prick.”

Youngjae wasn’t being a prick, he knows he isn’t being a good friend now but really at least now he’s really busy and he isn’t just saying it. Still, he’s hungry and tired, he doesn’t have it on him to say ‘no’, he would like to run away from thins song like nothing else. So he says ‘yes’, he thinks it can’t be so bad just the three of them. 

Except it’s not just three of them, it’s a small diner next to their university campus, but as soon as Youngjae enters it he sees a table already filled with people and he knows these people maybe not all of them but mostly yeah. Bambam is there, so is Yugyeom and Jinyoung, and so is Jaebeom. 

Youngjae stops as soon as his eyes find the boy, too scared to move. Jaebeom looks even more handsome than the last time Youngjae saw him, his hair maybe even darker, skin glowing like it wasn’t before, maybe he is happier now. While Youngjae is the face of defeat, messy hair, bag clothes, too pale, too thin. God, he really was the only one suffering from their non-breakup. 

“Hey, that’s our table.” Jackson points at the table Youngjae is eyeing as if the boy hasn’t seen that yet. He pushes Youngjae towards it, everyone stops to greet them, things can get worse Youngjae thinks. ‘Cause Jaebeom looks shocked seeing him, mouth hanging open for just two seconds but the shock never leaves his eyes. 

Youngjae sits next to Mark and unfortunately, in front of Jaebeom, he didn’t deserve it. Sure, he had to see the other sooner or later but he would rather it would happen much, much later. Not now, not with this bunch of people around them, not that he would like to be just the two of them either. 

What is more annoying is that it doesn’t matter how much Youngjae doesn’t look at Jaebeom the long-haired boy won’t take his eyes off of him staring without shame. Youngjae is doing his best to ignore him but it doesn’t work, and of course, Mark has to notice it. “Hey, weren’t you and Jaebeom pretty close?”

“No idea what you’re talking about,” Youngjae whispers back. 

Mark rolls his eyes, yeah, they were close, closer than Mark even knows about though. “Did something happen?”

“What are you two whispering about?” Jinyoung asks from the other side of the table where he’s sitting next to Jaebeom. When Youngjae looks up at him his eyes find Jaebeom’s accidentally, he wants to scream at himself. 

Mark says something about it being nothing but gives Youngjae a look that tells him it didn’t end here. But it was a problem Youngjae didn’t care about right now, his skin was on fire, he felt like throwing up and still his friends would insist for him to eat. Youngjae was holding his tears back, how could he explain crying out of nowhere like this, but boy did he want to cry feeling Jaebeom’s eyes on him. 

Youngjae was mute the entire night, Mark was obviously worried at some point but they didn’t talk about it. When he and Bambam walked home the boy told him that he texted him telling about Jaebeom being at the diner, Youngjae didn’t see it since his phone died earlier that night, he cursed himself for it. 

“Don’t think too much about it, you did fine,”

“I didn’t, don’t lie to me,” Youngjae murmurs while they enter the house. The weird thing at his stomach hasn’t left him yet, there’s nothing for him to throw up though. 

He goes to his room not wanting to talk about what happened, as soon as he is able to turn his phone on again he sees Bambam’s text, too late he thinks. There’s also a text from Jackson apologizing in case they made him uncomfortable, of course, everyone noticed how he was behaving. 

Youngjae sighs that went so poorly, he was pretty sure Jaebeom was about to talk to him at the end of the night, he saw him opening his mouth which made Youngjae run to Bambam and say a rushed good-bye to everyone. Maybe it was just his mind playing games with him but he swears it was what he saw. 

The next day Youngjae ignored all of Mark’s texts, he wasn’t going to hear the end of it later but he needed to focus on his song plus he did not need to talk about last night. Youngjae was becoming a pro at ignoring, maybe he wasn’t so good at pretending but he could ignore his feelings and people just fine. 

It was past 11 PM when Youngjae got home, he could hear the TV on and low conversation, maybe Mark was over which wouldn’t be ideal but he would deal with. When he opened the door what he saw was less than ideal, it was Jaebeom sitting on his couch with Bambam. Youngjae almost walked out again but he didn't even have it on him he looked at Bambam feeling betrayed, the younger boy of the three did look a bit guilty but not too much. 

“You never check your phone, dude. Anyways I should go to my room,” that’s all Bambam says before he leaves the living room as if he has the right to leave Youngjae here with Jaebeom. 

“You shouldn’t be here--”

“Sorry for showing up like that--” they start at the same time and then stopping to let the other speak, then neither of them talks for a minute or so. “I tried to contact you beforehand but I guess you blocked my number,” Jaebeom continues, he isn’t sitting anymore he’s standing still close to the couch while Youngjae is still frozen by the door. 

“Well, isn’t it embarrassing to you that I got your number blocked and you still show up here uninvited?” Youngjae is cold, he isn’t even trying to be mean because he doesn’t have to try, he  _ is _ mad so he's naturally mean. He doesn’t feel sorry if his words hurt Jaebeom in any way. 

“You know I’ve tried calling you a lot of time these past two months, I did give up at a certain point but from time to time I’d always try again.” Jaebeom takes a step closer to him. “I don’t know why it took me so long to look for you… actually I do know, I was scared but seeing you yesterday… I really missed you.”

Youngjae laughs bitterly, “it only gets more embarrassing for you, I didn’t miss you at all and I think you should leave.”

“Youngjae please, I just want to--”

“Want to what? How dos it feel to be told to leave, to get out? I’d say not very nice, huh? Well, don’t care ‘cause I want you to leave and not show your face ever again, stop embarrassing yourself.” That’s not true at all, Youngjae wants him to stay, wants him to say why he’s here, what changed. Wants to hear he say that he missed him again, but his pride will never let him say these words. 

Jaebeom walks to the door and Youngjae thinks he will do what he told him to do, that he will leave and Youngjae regrets ever saying that but it’s not what happens. He stands in front of Youngjae, it all looking too much like a deja vu but he isn’t as close as the time he confessed being attracted to the younger boy. 

“You’re so frustrating, it’s really tiring sometimes. I understand that you’re mad, maybe you won’t forgive but let me apologize, will you?”

Apologize? Youngjae wasn’t waiting for that, in all the scenarios that played on his head Jaebeom has never apologized to him. Yeah, he wanted them to go back to like things were before but he would always imagine the other would just try to pretend nothing happened, ‘till it was obviously not an option anymore and Youngjae just thought they wouldn't talk ever again.

“If I don’t will you force me?” He mocks. 

“What? Of course not! Listen I-- I understand if you don’t want me back, just let me explain, let me apologize. I need some closure,” 

Youngjae wants him back more than anything, he wants more than they had before but at the same time, it doesn’t feel right. He’s hurt, he can’t just forget about it, no matter what Jaebeom has to say. “I don’t see what good explaining would do, I mean I already understood what happened, you know? You were mad at me because of my bad reputation, what a pity.”

“That’s not it… come,” he extends his hand at Youngjae the younger boy just raises a brow at it making Jaebeom lower his hand and just point at the couch. Youngjae is reluctant at first but he guesses sitting is better than standing here remembering things he shouldn’t be thinking about. They sit side to side, and Jaebeom continues. “It was not about your reputation, I wouldn’t care about something like that but honestly I was scared…”

“Scared of what? Of people finding out you were sleeping with someone like me?” 

“Don’t say anything anymore just listen to me, alright? You’re just getting it more messed up. I wanted people to know about us, I wanted more than what we had… Youngjae, I don’t do fuck buddies or whatever is it that we were doing, I do dating. I was in love with you, I still am in love with you.” Jaebeom’s words are too low, too soft but Youngjae can hear them clear as day. 

He ignores the whole 'being in love' thing while he plays with his nails, “huh, you never said anything about wanting to date me. You were mean to me at the ending,”

“I know! I know! I was just so damn jealous. I had this conversation with Jackson and Mark, and I was just trying to learn more about you, learn things to maybe be good enough for you to fall for me too.” Jaebeom sighs deeply, Youngjae isn’t looking at him but he knows his voice well enough to know he’s on the verge of tears. “They said things I didn’t want to hear and I don’t know it’s not like we were together but I felt cheated on--”

“I never did anything when we were together though. You destroyed everything for nothing,”

Maybe that’s too mean because he can only hear Jaebeom sniffs for a while till he speaks again, shaky voice, “I didn’ know that and I hadn’t even the right to ask anything from you either. I know that and I guess that’s what was messed up for me, the fact that I couldn’t ask for you to be mine, only mine.” 

“You could though. I was already yours if you had asked you would know about it, but you had to be an asshole to me. I understand that you regret it, but I was in pain…” he still is. 

“Were you?” 

“Jaebeom,” Youngjae can’t believe he still doesn’t get it, he doesn’t want to say it because Jaebeom doesn’t deserve to know he just does not. “You are bad at this, you wanted me to fall for you? You didn’t have to do anything, I already loved you, maybe since the beginning which you not only didn’t see but you also pushed me away. I don’t know how one can be this bad.”

Jaebeom exhales and somehow Youngjae can feel the warmth of this body closer to his, he doesn’t dare to look though. “You were in love with me?” 

“It doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t want to get even more hurt,” 

“Babe,” and just no, Jaebem doesn’t get to call him that. Youngjae looks at him to say him just that feeling anger starting to make his way through him when he sees Jaebeom already looking at him. The other boy looking terribly vulnerable, tears threatening to fall at any moment. “I-- don’t-- I’ll do anything I can to never hurt you ever again. I’m so sorry for everything I did. I was so unfair,”

“You were,” it’s all Youngjae can say. He doesn’t feel guilty for the way he spoke to Jaebeom, not at all, maybe he was harsh but was he supposed to be sweet? Still, he loved Jaebeom, he really, really did. Push him away wouldn’t only be a punishment to Jaebeom it would hurt him too, so yeah maybe he was being selfish but he didn’t want to hurt anymore. 

Jaebeom must notice his chance, or if he doesn’t he’s just being brave realizing this might be his last opportunity. He turns his body sitting on one of his legs like Youngjae is doing making their knees touch, “I could make it up to you.”

“It wouldn’t be that easy,” Youngjae thinks if he’s being too easy if he should be more cautions. Can he have his heart broken twice by the same person? It’s possible, yeah. The thing is if he’s willing to risk it because of Jaebeom. 

“Never thought it would be, but I plan to work very hard on it,” Jaebeom gets closer and Youngjae lets him. He's willing. “I’m going to work very hard on making you happy this time around, babe. Gonna give you everything.” 

Jaebeom slides his left hand through Youngjae’s thigh and the boy puts his hand over his not stopping him, just letting it there. If Jaebeom only knew that he was the one who could get anything from Youngjae, at any time, that he didn’t even have to ask, Youngjae would give him whatever he wants. So, that’s exactly what he does. 

He nods at Jaebeom as if that was enough, it seems to be, because the older boy is suddenly holding his face almost getting on his lap. Youngjae does the rest, putting his hand on the small of his back Youngjae puts the boy all the way over his lap, letting Jaebeom straddle him. 

If the first time they kissed felt like coming home he doesn’t know how he can put it in words now, it feels like returning to the most beautiful place he has ever seen that he missed the most. Jaebeom lips on his never felt this sweet, his teeth are biting at Youngjae’s bottom lip softly while he caresses his nape and that’s what Youngjae wants, for as long as he can keep him, he wants it like that. 

“Let’s not-- let’s not be idiots again, right? If something happens we talk,” Jaebeom nods kissing him again but Youngjae pushes him away to look at his eyes, they are as pretty as he remembers maybe even more. “Say it out loud, Jaebeom. Say you won’t leave me without giving me a chance again,”

“I won’t! Won’t ever let you out of my sight ever again. Promise,” then Youngjae lets him kiss him all he wants, it’s innocent at first but their bodies obviously missed each other. It’s like they are thinking for themselves, at one minute Jaebeom is just kissing him holding his face with care and then at the next he is rubbing his groin over Youngjae’s while his hands explore his chest trying to take off his shirt. 

“Hey, hey, we shouldn’t do this here, Bambam might come back and--” Youngjae is out of air and it doesn’t help that Jaebeom interrupts him by kissing him again. “I’m serious, Jaebeom!”

“Okay, yeah, yeah, let’s go to your room then. I haven’t been there a lot, let’s fuck there.” He doesn’t even give Youngjae time to respond, not that he was going to too shocked with what he just heard. He wasn’t planning on fucking, he thought it would be weird after not even seeing Jaebeom in so long. 

Youngjae thought it should be weird, it should be awkward at least, they haven’t even talked in almost two months. Hell, he told himself he hated Jaebeom every day since the last time he saw him, yet it didn’t feel weird at all having him in his room taking off his clothes as if they have done it just yesterday. Jaebeom kisses him hungrily, devouring his mouth standing on his underwear while Youngjae is completely dressed. 

“Take it off, come on, take this all off,” Jaebeom whines on his mouth but won’t even back of to give Youngjae some space to do as told. Youngjae almost laughs feeling affection exploding inside him, Jaebeom is so cute and Youngjae loves him so much, he will be really fucked up if they fight again if they--

“Jaebeom, does that mean we are dating now?” Youngjae asks him before the other can take any of his clothes off. 

“I mean yeah, if you want to,” 

“No, not if I want to. Is that what you want as well? You said you wanted everyone to know about us, you said you still loved me. So this time you don’t want to be locked inside an apartment with me, right? Everyone will know about this, about us,” he points between us and Jaebeom looks pained which gives Youngjae a bad feeling. 

“That’s what I want but I’m gonna do whatever you want,” 

Youngjae sighs in relief, that’s what he wants, that’s what he has wanted for a long time too. But Jaebeom shouldn’t say he would do what Youngjae wants and forget about himself, that’s just reckless with his own heart. “We will do what you want too, yeah? This is about both of us,” 

Jaebeom smiles kissing him, Youngjae shouldn’t feel his heart beating so fast on his ribcage just because of a smile but he does. It’s almost too much, he feels like crying, it’s the first time he’s with Jaebeom knowing that the other loves him too it’s overwhelming. He wants it to last but Jaebeom is a little more desperate, he makes quick work of Youngjae’s jeans, the next being his shirt and underwear. 

He is pulling Youngjae over him to the bed with one hand on his nape while he takes off his own underwear with the other. They fall in the bed together and maybe they are being too loud, Youngjae doesn’t have it on him to care about this now he will care tomorrow. Now he wants Jaebeom only Jaebeom. 

He kisses Jaebeom pulling a bit at his hair feeling how soft it is, hearing his low moans being reminded of how noisy the other can get we they are together. “Do you want me to fuck you?” He asks with Jaebeom pulling him in, hands on his ass so their bodies are touching head to toe, their erections sliding together way too slowly. 

“I’ve been dreaming about this. So long, babe, it’s been so long.” Youngjae loves the way Jaebeom talks slowly and breathy when he is too turned on to think straight. This is a turn on itself. 

He takes the lube from his nightstand all without letting his lips leave Jaebeom’s neck, it’s been a long time since he last marked it. He used to do it just because Jaebeom’s skin is so pale and the marks would stand out too beautifully, now is more than that, now Jaebeom is his and he wants that to show. 

It should be embarrassing but as long as he doesn’t say it out loud he can live with this possessive side of himself. “I’ve been forgiven ‘till now, but I should also teach you some lessons, you know?”

“Alright,” Jaebeom it’s always too good, Youngjae smiles he doesn’t really want to teach him anything and definitely not through sex but he knows Jaebeom likes it, likes to be teased, likes to be praised afterward. 

So he kisses at every inch of skin he can, giving Jaebom butterfly kisses letting his hands slide up and down his side, nails scratching him. Going ‘till his calves and coming back up kissing his inner thighs which makes Jaebeom shake faster than Youngjae thought he would.

His dick is pressed against his stomach, furious red and hard like Youngjae remembered it, he doesn’t pay it any attention. Youngjae opens Jaebeom’s legs apart so he can fit in between them nicely, he gives Jaebeom’s ass hole a quick kiss, it’s just a small kiss not even put pressure on it but it’s enough to make Jaebeom moan loudly. 

Youngjae almost laughs at the reaction he gets but when he looks up Jaebeom is looking down at him too, that’s new, he usually has his eyes closed. It’s difficult for him to keep his eyes open when Youngjae does basically anything to him, but now he can see that the older boy is trying hard, that he wants to see it, wants to enjoy it in every way. It turns out it makes something to Youngjae, he kisses his hole again, this time with more force making sure his lips are wet so Jaebeom will feel it.

He starts sucking and giving little licks at the muscule, “relax, Jaebeom, it will be better if you relax.” Since Jaebeom is a bit tense is a little hard at first but he tries to relax and Youngjae can slide his tongue inside with the help of his hand, only to have him tense again. 

“God, I can’t-- Youngjae, I need it--” Youngjae is pretty sure he is crying, Jaebeom is sort of a crier when it comes to sex. He might hold his tears in other situations but when they are having sex he will cry just ‘cause the pleasure seems to be too much for him to hold in. 

Youngjae pays him no mind, keeps on fucking him with his tongue, the more he does it easier the slide gets, his tongue getting more and more inside with each thrust. He’s starting to get painfully hard too though, and he doesn’t know how much longer he can stand not fucking Jaebeom. So he gets the lube and smears it over two of his fingers, he fucks one of them slowly inside of Jaebeom without taking his tongue out. 

Jaebeom is full-on sobbing, Youngjae makes a mental note to tease him about it later, now he prepares him ‘till he’s up to three fingers which is more than enough and has Jaebeom pulling too hard at his hair begging him to ‘just get it inside already!’ 

Again Youngjae would give him anything he asked for, so he positions himself on his knees going down just one last time to kiss Jaebeom hard, more teeth than lips. Jaebeom is stretched out yeah Youngjae made sure of it, but he’s still so tight it could make Youngjae cry. He moans lowly, letting himself in slowly, mindful to not hurt Jaebeom as well to not have an aneurysm. 

Youngjae missed it, the warmth enveloping him just so hot, the skin-to-skin contact as if they were just one. It was like an eternity for him to be able to bottom out, he stays still for two long minutes or at least he thinks it was two minutes waiting for Jaebeom to adapt. ‘Till the other boy is the one moving under him, “please, move, babe, move I’m ready.”

Youngjae shocks out an ‘okay,’ being caught off guard but recovering fast, he moves slowly at first stopping Jaebeom’s movements with his hands on his waist. He holds him down not letting the other boy move at all, setting the pace for them, then he circles Jaebeom’s legs around his waist and starts to fuck him harder. 

It’s really hot, each thrust taking him to paradise, he knows he’s hitting Jaebeom’s prostate because he knows how to get there and he knows exactly the sounds Jaebeom makes when it happens. He tries to not overdo it but seeing Jaebeom cry with pleasure moaning between sobs it’s the best image he has ever seen, he hopes he won’t ever be able to forget it even at old age. 

Youngjae lays himself over Jaebeom’s body kissing him, pressing Jaebeom’s hard dick between their bodies while he fucks him. That’s the only attention Youngjae is willing to let his dick receive this night, it seems to be enough though, only after a few thrusts hitting hard at his sweet spot and his stomach rubbing now stop Jaebeom’s cock the boy is clenching around him. Bitting his lips in a silent yell while he cums all over their stomachs, the clenching is too much. 

Youngjae is surprised, he was close but he didn’t feel it hitting him so fast it didn’t take more than another three thrusts for him to cum inside Jaebeom fucking him ‘till it was too hard to keep going without it becoming too painful. “I forgot to say it, but I really, really love you too.” Youngjae says as he slides off Jaebeom and the boy whines with the sensation. 

It’s just after Youngjae cleans them off and lays behind Jaebeom cuddling him that the other turns around to look him in the eyes, their limbs all intertwined. “Did you really say that you love me during sex?” 

“No, I said it after.” Youngjae says pressing a kiss to his twin moles above his left eye, they were Youngjae’s favorites. 

Jaebeom hits him but there’s no force to it, “you shouldn’t say it  _ during  _ sex,” 

“That’s why I didn’t.” Youngjae retorts, he really didn’t, and it’s like he didn’t know what he was doing or regretted it. He said it because he wanted Jaebeom to know. 

“Then say it again,” Jaebeom tries to say it playfully but Youngjae can tell he’s being serious, that he wants to hear it again. 

“Jaebeom, we were together, well we weren’t dating but I already knew I wanted to be with you for a long time. I already knew how I felt, I wrote a song, I’m not the best at writing lyrics but this one felt right.” Jaebeom is looking at him attentively not knowing where this is all going but waiting nonetheless. “God, it’s embarrassing but hum listen to it carefully, yeah?” 

Jaebeom nods and Youngjae sings as soft as he can.

_ "You know I always wanna be _

_ Somewhere or anywhere that nearby you _

_ I wanna make this love clearly _

_ Make it more longer, make it more stronger _

_ And I wish we'll be together _

_ When life makes us apart _

_ And tears us apart _

_ You're the poet in my heart _

_ The changes in my mind _

_ Pounding in my heart _

_ You're everything in my head _

_ You're the dreams I've always wished _

_ A chance to be better _

_ Flowers in my path _

_ My love...'" _

“There’s more to it, those are just my favorite lyrics… I’ve loved you for a long time. Can you feel it?” Youngjae asks softly. 

He notices as a single tear rolls down Jaebeom’s face, ‘till another one comes and another, he’s about to apologize for something he might have done when Jaebeom kisses him. The kiss is slow but chaste, “I didn’t know you could sing like that… everything about you is so beautiful.”

“You like my singing voice then?” Youngjae jokes but Jaebeom is obviously being serious, he has this serious look on his face even though there are tears all over it and a smile in his lips. 

“I want to listen to it, to this song every night before I sleep. It’s beautiful.” 

“Don’t know about that, it might get boring,” Youngjae says feigning seriousness, but Jaebeom only gets closer to him stealing another kiss. 

“You will do it, will sing it to me every night. You love me.” 

And he is right Youngjae thinks while he kisses all of Jaebeom’s face getting rid of the tears with his lips, he will do anything for Jaebeom. Because Youngjae loves Jaebeom. Now he can say it aloud, he just loves Jaebeom. 

**Author's Note:**

> \- if you read it all thank youuuu <3 it really take me a while to write it all even though is so alike my other oneshots lol I'm never writing university or high school aus again or at least so soon  
> \- also please please be safe, if you can't stay at home (which sucks too) be as cautious as you can, your health comes first  
> \- take care of your mental health too :)  
> \- and one last one to the person who left me a really nice comment on 'HIM' thinking i wouldn't see it if you read this just know you really helped me :) <3  
> \- i hope this story was entertaining a least a bit


End file.
